Gimme a Break From Drama

I don't know about you, but I'm really tired of drama. Everywhere I turn there is drama. Drama seems to follow some athletes and celebrities like:

• Lindsay Lohan
• The Real Housewives of New York, New Jersey, etc.
• Ben Rothlisberger
• Tiger Woods
  
• Michael Vick
  
• Floyd Landis

Trust me that's a very short and nowhere close to exhaustive list. By the time I post this I'm sure there will be a celebrity somewhere who is belching more drama. Then there's crazy drama like the woman in Indiana who miscarried, then stabbed a couple while trying to kidnap their newborn infant. Fortunately the baby was unharmed and the parents survived. This is tragic, needless, surreal drama.

Poor judgment by celebrities and famous people aside, every day drama is what I'm talking about. There seem to be two kinds of drama. One is from people who constantly have to have something going on in their life. A crisis, an event, episode, or giant problem. It may not even be their own, but they thrive on the drama of others. They have a deep need to be needed. They are always at the center of something. Then there are those who create drama out of ordinary, every day life experiences, struggles, problems and events. This is unnecessary drama. They create drama by "making mountains out of molehills." Think of a middle school girls sleepover! Now there's an event nearly always accompanied by drama.

I've learned that the less credibility and attention you give to unnecessary drama the better. Attention and pity are the fuel of drama-obsessed people. Drama queens/kings tend to think emotionally and react instead of thinking things through and making a deliberate response, or none at all. They rarely "sleep on it" for a different perspective. Most of the time it's a cover for something else and they may not even know it.

We've got drama in politics, business, marriages, family units, school, neighborhoods, social circles and especially churches. Church drama is the worst because it's usually accompanied by guilt or judgment. Easy to do when you are using the "language of Zion". Remember, drama draws heavily on emotion and it often surfaces as emotional blackmail in churches. The hysteria of drama NEVER builds up a family, church, business, team, etc. Drama induced hysteria is destructive. The drama becomes the singular event or issue and everything else revolves around it. This is really harmful in marriages, family, businesses and churches because it sucks the energy out of everyone. You lose perspective because all your energy and attention is focused on the drama. Drama breeds worry and doubt.

It's easy to get sucked into the dramatic narrative. Be careful! How do you minimize, or deal with drama?

• Don't rush in, get the facts, think and pray it through before acting, or responding to someone's drama.
• Ask yourself, "Will my response enable, or help provide clarity?"
• Drama is nearly always fueled by gossip, or hearsay, so don't entertain gossip.
• Confront Drama Kings/Queens in love without judgment. Speak the truth in love.
• Remember that everyone has problems, troubles and pain. While it may seem so, the person steeped in drama is not the only person experiencing life challenges.
• Draw boundaries for the dramatics in your life. If someone's drama is because of their inability to schedule and meet deadlines, don't enable them by accepting continual tardiness, or excuses for unjustified absences.
  
• Pray for every drama king/queen you know. Pray they will let God manage their lives. Pray for their family, spouse, co-workers and friends. Pray for truth to be revealed. Pray for peace. Pray that they will grow in their beliefs and values so that even the strongest drama will not disrupt their foundation and consume them.
• Let people know that you do not participate in drama at the office, school, etc. Pretty soon the drama king/queen will go somewhere else to complain, or gain support/sympathy.

Don't confuse genuine problems and life struggles with drama. Every person you meet has legitimate concerns and life issues. Be open and willing to allow people in your life let you know if you are creating or feeding drama. A help I learned from Dr. Richard Carlson many years ago was to ask myself in the middle of a crisis, "Will this matter a year from now?" While it could be something serious, if we're honest we must admit that most drama a year later doesn't seem so urgent, dangerous or serious as it did a year ago.

"Lord, for those who struggle with drama give them clarity, focus and peace. Remind me of my own shortcomings as I relate to them. May my motivation be love. Help me to confront in love. Help me to resist the temptation to immerse myself in unnecessary and destructive drama. Remind me of Jesus, who refused to allow drama to distract Him from Your purpose and mission."

Confessions of a Recovering Fixer

Periodic, deep personal reflection is a good thing. It forces us to peel back the layers of our lives and examine ourselves as we really are, not the idealized self. The idealized self is the image we try to project, or think everyone else has of us. Don't confuse that with hypocrisy of intentionally trying to be something your not. Even in the best of folks, how we perceive ourselves rarely matches reality. Personal reflection can be uncomfortable but it is very healthy.

Reflection forced me to admit that I'm a "Fixer". Not the kind that thinks he knows who needs to be "fixed" and how to "fix" them. I understand it can be very tempting to point out the faults and failings of others while offering unsolicited advice on what they "really" need, but my "fixer" struggle is different. My "fixer" personality stems from a desire to make things go smoother, run better, help people get along, minimize problems, keep the balance, etc. Not to make excuses but to be fair, I was a troubleshooter in my first career and I was paid to "get things done" by obsessing on details and reducing obstacles. And I was really good at my job.

The "Fixer" personality is common among males, it's not necessarily gender exclusive. A lot of mother's have this problem too. "Fixer's" tend to meddle in places they shouldn't even with sincere motives. Their desire to "make things right" overrides their ability to remain objective. Long ago, a mentor helped me identify my struggles with control issues. However, the worst combination for a "fixer" is someone that has, or has had control issues. See the potential for problems? Control and the need to fix is a potentially dangerous combination.

Stay with me, I've made a second personal discovery that is related to the first one. Here it is: I tend to get ahead of God. It's not that I didn't trust God to work things out, answer my prayers, or provide direction. I told myself that I was simply helping God by trying to "fix" the problem with my friend, family, or church. After all I reasoned that God gave me certain skills, gifts, intellect, creativity and energy so why not use them to expedite His work and help people out? Herein lies the problem-----there are so many things in life that we cannot fix! Life is meant to be lived and experienced not "fixed". There are problems, trials, and situations that we actually need to experience, or live through to realize God's greater purpose. Fixing them robs us of learning to depend, rely and trust in God. "Fixing" can be a faith-robber, if God isn't the one providing the solution. Our efforts may even be good attempts, but His way will always be better.

I've got a friend in a real struggle right now and I can't fix it! Neither can he. Only God can. He simply wants me to be there for my friend, to listen, hold his hand, pray for, and with him and walk alongside so he is not alone. That sounds like a pretty strong solution to me. Pray, love, listen, let go and let God!

Nick Vujicic - Life Without Limbs

We've been talking about suffering at our church. Today we were reminded that every person is facing a battle, problem or challenge of some kind. It may not be the same as yours, but every human experiences pain to some degree. May Nick's story encourage you!

Long Awaited Truth in Britain!

On January 30, 1972 the British Army paratroopers gunned down 27 innocent people in the Northern Ireland town of Derry (a.k.a. Londonderry). The attack ocurred during a civil rights march involving several thousand people. Fourteen people were killed in the brutal attack. It is known as Bloody Sunday and it became a benchmark event in the Irish Republican Army's (IRA) struggle for independence from the British government and the partition of Ireland that was established in 1922. The attack on unarmed civilians (seven of them were teenagers) took place in broad daylight with innocent bystanders being gunned down. Journalists and witnesses confirm that five victims were were shot in the back. According to witnesses only one IRA member was among those killed, but it was determined that he never posed a threat to the army.

A preliminary investigation not long after the attack basically glossed over the mistakes and errors in judgment British ground forces made that bloody day. In 1998, then British Prime Minister, Tony Blair called for a full and complete investigation that would take 12 years to complete. Did you catch that? 12 years! The Saville Inquiry cost $280 million dollars and heard from 2,500 witnesses. It is the most expensive and extensive government inquiry in British history. It's results were made public today with a public apology from current British Prime Minister, David Cameron:

"Some members of our armed forces acted wrongly ... and for that, on behalf of the government, indeed on behalf of our country, I am deeply sorry," British Prime Minister David Cameron said after the release of the long-awaited report....But Cameron said none of the 14 casualties was posing a threat. One of those shot was killed while crawling away from British soldiers, and another was shot while lying mortally wounded on the ground, he said. (Report By Richard Allen Greene, CNN)

Kudos to the British government! This is so refreshingly honest. A government actually admits it was wrong! Instead of doing things right, it focused on doing the right thing. Instead of damage control PR, finger-pointing, scripted 30-second soundbites, and parliamentary hearings designed for show, this actually reeks of authenticity, honesty and transparency. News reports say that thousands gathered in Londonderry cheered when they heard the British PM's apology! How's that for a response to a little honesty? One can only hope that corporations and other governments, namely the big one across "the pond" from England would take a cue from the Brits. Honesty and transparency? Really? Who knew?

This is the first step in the healing journey.

King Solomon was right when he wrote the following in Proverbs 12:22:
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord,
but those who act faithfully are his delight.

The Sins of Others :Two Views & A Prayer

9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: 10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 18:9-14

The View of the Pharisee and Spiritually Arrogant:
The sins of others are far more interesting than my own.
The sins of others make for great discussion.
The sins of others can make us blush.
The sins of others keep the focus off mine.
The sins of others are often jeered and cheered but rarely ignored.
The sins of others make us feel better about ourselves.
The sins of others are exactly why we need stronger sermons.
The sins of others are holding us back.

The View of the Tax Collector and Other Sinners:
The sins of others make me weep.
The sins of others remind me of how desperate I am for God.
The sins of others do not cause me joy, or relief.
The sins of others cause me to intercede in prayer.
The sins of others prompt concern and compassion.
The sins of others are not ours to share.
The sins of others should bring no delight.
The sins of others drive me to my knees,
Because I realize I am the greatest of these!

A Prayer for Sinners, Like Me:
Lord, have mercy on me a sinner! Break my heart with what breaks Yours. Teach me to weep over the sins of others, but only after I am broken over my own. Show me the path to forgiveness. I have disobeyed and sinned against You. Forgive me for placing my will and foolish wants above Your will. Hear my confession. These are my sins that lie before You. I alone am responsible. Cleanse me. Renew my heart and plant my feet on solid ground. Lead, enable and empower me to leave them for good. In the words of Your servant David, “restore to me the joy of my salvation.” Grant that my days ahead will bring glory to Your name and my Savior, Jesus Christ! Amen.

The Wizard of Westwood Goes Home

Legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden died Friday. He was 99 years old and retired from UCLA in 1975. He was dubbed the Wizard of Westwood for his incredible run at NCAA. His legacy as the most successful college basketball coach is supported by a record second to none. It was highlighted by New York Times writers Frank Litsky and John Branch:

His teams at U.C.L.A. won 10 national championships in a 12-season stretch from 1964 to 1975. From 1971 to 1974, U.C.L.A. won 88 consecutive games, still the NCAA record.

Four of Wooden’s teams finished with 30-0 records, including his first championship team, which featured no starters taller than 6 feet 5 inches.

Three of his other championship teams were anchored by the 7-foot-2 center Lew Alcindor, who later changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Two others were led by center Bill Walton, a three-time national player of the year.

As a kid I remember Wooden's teams, especially the one that beat my Kentucky Wildcats for the 1975 NCAA championship, which was his last. Wooden was a gentleman. Those close to him always noted his humility, dignity and wonderful sense of humor. The basketball court was his classroom. He taught about life, basketball was just the tool.

Wooden was born in Indiana and went on to star at Purdue University. He was a man of great faith who read the Bible daily. He once said, "I have always tried to make it clear that basketball is not the ultimate. It is of small importance in comparison to the total life we live. There is only one kind of life that truly wins, and that is the one that places faith in the hands of the Savior."

Coach Wooden rest in Jesus, you have run the race and fought the good fight. Thanks for touching our lives with your grace, wit, faith and intellect. Wooden's quotes on life and leadership are too many to recall here. Here's just a few of my favorites.

• A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.

• Ability is a poor man's wealth.

• Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.

• Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

• Be prepared and be honest.

• Consider the rights of others before your own feelings, and the feelings of others before your own rights.

• Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

• Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.

It's Not My Day!

Today is not my day to hear your complaint, gripe, saga or drama. I am not wearing a sign that says, “dump your garbage here,” because I’ve got enough of my own.

It’s not my day to hear how bad your life is when everyone we meet is carrying a heavy load and most of them are much heavier than yours or mine.

It’s not my day to hear about your trials and complaints that are the direct result of decisions you’ve made. Accept some responsibility. I refuse to be an enabler.

It’s not my day in the hole of despair and the pit of complaint.

It’s not my day for whining, whimpering, or wringing of the hands.

It’s not my day for your stinging criticism of others because you are always right and they are always wrong.

It’s not my day to receive your abuse and further enable you.

It’s not my day to give a fair hearing to self-consumed people who callously disregard the genuine needs, hurts and pains of those around them because everything is about them.

It’s not my day to board the train of self-pity that passes by and never stops for those who are genuinely wounded, broken, and hurting.

It’s not my day to sit with someone who refuses to apologize, or admit that they really don’t know everything and just might be wrong.

It’s not my day clean up your mess when I’ve got my own pile awaiting my attention.

It’s not my day to accept half-truths and lies that have been told so long you actually believe them.

It’s not my day to solve or “fix” the ills of local, state and federal governments. I have far more questions than answers and I really do believe that our government ills will take hard work, time and candid conversation that focus on solutions instead of politics.

“But Lord, it’s not my day! Yes Lord, I understand and I remember….Yes Lord, it’s the least I can do in light of what you’ve done for me through Jesus.”

Okay, it’s my day so pour out your complaints, pains, problems, frustrations and laments. I can’t “fix it”, but I know the One who can. The Psalmist did too:

With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord. 2 I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him. (Ps. 142.1-2)