Life Is Unfair!

My 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Short (aptly named I might add) was one of my favorite teachers. One of her frequent retorts to students bemoaning, or complaining about a tough assignment has stuck with me. We would protest a book assignment with, "Mrs. Short, that's not fair!" And she would reply, "My dear's life is not fair." At the time it was strange and fell far short (get the pun?) of the reply we wanted to hear, but the years that followed proved it was the exact response we needed to hear.

I don't know how long it took me to realize the weighty truth of her words. You would think something so obvious wouldn't require a revelatory "aha" moment. However, adolescents seem to have the most difficult time accepting life's realities. Inexperience, innocence, naiveté and sheltered lives are just some of the reasons we are unable to fully embrace the truth of those words as youth. The truth is that most children are protected from the harsh reality that life is indeed unfair. And that's not a bad thing!

Sometimes children are exposed too early to the "unfair" moments or issues of life. For example: divorce; abuse; dysfunctional parenting; poverty; lack of parental support in learning and education, growing up in a home with addictive behaviors and much more.

However, one of the responsibilities of parents, educators, coaches, and extended family is to help us learn over time that "fairness" is not a life guarantee. Unfortunately, some people never learn this and grow up to be bitter, or angry adults who are still complaining that life is unfair: It's the government's fault. It's the ex-spouse's fault. Or, their parents are to blame. The other team cheated. You get the idea. The lament becomes an excuse or crutch that renders things like hard work, study, ingenuity, commitment, humility, forgiveness and personal responsibility obsolete.

Life is indeed unfair. If life is fair why do young children get terminal illnesses? Why do young men and women in uniform barely out of high school die in foreign countries? Why do millionaires routinely pay far less in taxes than the average citizen? Why do innocent children, or women suffer domestic violence at the hands of abusive men? Why do the elderly suffer forms of economic, physical, and emotional elder abuse? Why do Americans throw away more food while children starve to death in the Sudan? Yes, life is unfair!

But just because life is unfair doesn't mean we should get a pass, or resign. I think living with a sense of gratitude, humility, self-denial, hard work, commitment and grace toward others is one of the ways we bring balance to the "unfair" moments of life. Otherwise we could be tempted to play the victim, or remain bitter the rest of our days. And no one wants to be around angry/bitter people.

Mr. Knight I've Got a Suggestion

Nike guru and founder, Phil Knight spoke Thursday at the public memorial service for Penn State Coach, Joe Paterno. The news wires and sports media are all abuzz with the portion of his eulogy that waded into the scandal that preceded the legendary coach's hasty departure from the Happy Valley campus in December. You can see his full tribute here.

While the media arm chair QB's were consumed with his comments about the scandal, I was more struck by a question he asked, "Who will be my hero now?" He started by saying that Coach Paterno had been his hero for 12 years since meeting at a Nike function. He ended by saying he did not know who his hero would be now and that no one knows.

Therein lies the problem for me personally. There's nothing wrong with admiring leaders, visionaries, family, friends, and other people. Taking cues from their lives, faith, careers, model and leadership is admirable and good. However, I think making humans our heroes is misguided. Why? Because EVERY human is flawed in some way. Paul says there is no one without sin, not one person. EVERY one of us is imperfect. Even if they don't fail, or disappoint us personally they will eventually die and we will have no one to follow. I don't know whether Mr. Knight is a man of faith or not. I'm not judging him either. That's not my place.

I just know that for me, I cannot idolize a human in light of ALL God through Jesus Christ has done for me. Now don't misunderstand me, I have heroes of faith and people I admire in athletics, business, politics (okay not so many in that arena), science, literature, theatre, etc., but I don't idolize them. I respect them. I learn from them. I look up to them and they encourage and inspire me, but at the end of the day they are not my life goal. You see, none of them died for me. None of them saved my soul. None of them can carry my burdens. None of them can forgive my sins. None of them can bring eternal comfort and security. Even great ones like Billy Graham, Mother Teresa, C.S. Lewis, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, etc., are not my idols. My idolatry starts and ends with God. It's the foundational point of the First Commandment. No God, but God! Only God is to be the apex of our affection, attention, devotion, respect, admiration and love.

When you watch Mr. Knight's eulogy you come away saddened by this particular comment. It's as if he's a little boy on the playground whose father is no longer there to throw the ball and he's desperately searching for his father. Shoes too big to fill by any human. How can someone so powerful, so rich, so smart, so successful utter these words? "Who will be my hero now?" I can't imagine the emptiness he must feel.

Mr. Knight I have a suggestion. Check out these old and precious words by Scottish pastor, Walter C. Smith in one of my faith's oldest hymns:

Immortal, invisible, God only wise, In light inaccessible hid from our eyes, Most blessèd, most glorious, the Ancient of Days, Almighty, victorious, Thy great Name we praise.

Unresting, unhasting, and silent as light, Nor wanting, nor wasting, Thou rulest in might; Thy justice, like mountains, high soaring above Thy clouds, which are fountains of goodness and love.

To all, life Thou givest, to both great and small; In all life Thou livest, the true life of all; We blossom and flourish as leaves on the tree, And wither and perish—but naught changeth Thee.

Great Father of glory, pure Father of light, Thine angels adore Thee, all veiling their sight; But of all Thy rich graces this grace, Lord, impart Take the veil from our faces, the vile from our heart.

All laud we would render; O help us to see ’Tis only the splendor of light hideth Thee, And so let Thy glory, Almighty, impart, Through Christ in His story, Thy Christ to the heart.

Now that's a hero! Still not convinced? How about the Apostle Paul's words in Colossians:

¹⁵ The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶ For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. ¹⁷ He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸ And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.¹⁹ For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰ and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

When Christ is your hero, you are saddened when humans you love and admire die, but you are not left without hope, or without a hero. He's a hero that helps you get through it!

The Days Are Fleeting: Seize Them

Not long ago we were having dinner at a restaurant in Hilton Head and a couple in their early 30's were sitting next to us with their toddler daughter. The father was teasing the little girl and she was laughing with deep belly laughs.

As we got up to leave I stopped at their table to speak to the couple. It was obvious I was battling cancer because I was as bald as a cue ball and had just had chemo the week before. I told the father, "Redeem the time young folks. Before you know it she will be big and on her own. Don't wish these days away because they will fly by." The father nodded and said, "Thank you, sir." LOL! You know you are old when people call you "sir". I went on to explain that my little girl was now a junior in college and it seemed like just yesterday I was teasing her in restaurants.

While he acknowledged my observation I'm not sure he fully grasped what I was saying. When we're younger and time seems soooooo long we tend to think it's not moving very fast. Redeem the time folks! It flies and it's precious. Future time with family, friends and those we love is not guaranteed. The days are fleeting. The moments are precious and we need to take every one of them captive. Drink it all in. Seize the day. Savor the days God gives you with loved ones. There's no contract that tomorrow will come in the way it did today. Redeem the time!

Last weekend amid a strong reminder in our family that life is precious, we got the rare opportunity to celebrate at a family wedding in Charleston. Our daughter-in-law who is full with child and about to go any day was unable to go with us. We missed her deeply, but as we pigged on baked clams I just smiled and thanked God for the time with our kids. That time will never pass this way again. Live every day like it's your last because in a fallen world it very well could be. The Psalmist understood this: "Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow." (Psalm 144:4)

Redeem the time!

P.S. I'm looking forward to redeeming the time with our first grandchild in a few weeks. You can bet I'm going to seize every moment I can as I battle two godly grandmothers and her other grandfather for time to hold her, LOL!

Chris Tomlin & All My Fountains

Redeem the Time!

One thing you learn from cancer, or any other major life challenge is that time is precious and fleeting. Life hiccups and headaches have a way of reminding us that we are indeed fragile and despite marketing's best attempts to convince us otherwise, nothing this side of heaven lasts forever.

We Boomer's have always loved our music. And because we stretch across some critical years of music genre, most of us have eclectic listening tastes, which I think is a good thing. Boomers really tend to identify with their music. The soft rock duo of Seals & Crofts was one of several groups in the 70's that cranked out what became known as the "California sound" (e.g., Poco; Bread; America; The Eagles; Michael Martin Murphy, etc.), even though many like Seals & Crofts weren't even from California. The sound emphasized soulful vocal harmonies driven by an acoustic guitar sound, with easy going melodies and relative lyrics.

James Seals and Dash Crofts wrote hits like: Diamond Girl; Summer Breeze; I'll Play For You; and, Get Closer. On their 1971 album, "Diamond Girl," another hit appeared in addition to the title cut called, "We May Never Pass This Way Again." While the lyrics are about a couple, the song sends a strong message about the value of our days, hours and minutes. Here's a snippet:

So, I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy. I wanna cry if it makes it worthwhile.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you.
'Cause, you make me feel like I'm more than a friend. Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you, baby.

We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again.
We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again.

(lyrics by James Seals; music by James Seals & Dash Crofts, 1973)

So my friends, redeem the time you have with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, friends, small group, pets, church, etc. Make the most of every day and squeeze every ounce you can get out of them and do it with gratitude, because who knows, we may never pass this way again!

The Dreamer

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.

T.E. Lawrence, "The Seven Pillars of Wisdom"
British soldier (1888 - 1935)

Control

The need to control is something that affects businesses, marriage and families, churches, schools, government, hospitals, trustee boards, and just about every institution, or enterprise under the sun. Control, even when rightly motivated can be toxic. Control is ultimately about getting "my" way even when that way is for good.

In business, control is portrayed as micro-management. Someone competent is hired to do a specific job and they are pushed on the back burner because their superior is constantly second-guessing their approach, or injecting herself into the process, which tells the rest of the staff that the person hired for the job isn't really capable of leading.

Control can mask itself as simply "wanting the best" for______________(family, business, person, organization, church, etc.), but when you peel back the layers you discover the "best" is only what that particular person, or group identifies as being best. They set the terms, or write the definitions.

In marriage and family control can have disastrous consequences. A mother, or father can be so consumed with directing the daily activities and future choices of a child (like college choices, which extracurricular activities to pursue, etc.) that they ultimately lose the child, or the child becomes so dependent upon the leadership of the parent that he/she is paralyzed to make decisions and act upon their own behalf when they get on their own.

Trust me, liberty is a good thing. Granting and encouraging freedom and individual responsibility fosters creativity and ingenuity. It also empowers employees, church members, team members, etc., to take ownership, which instills a healthy sense of pride in their work, or effort. Freedom releases the captives of control and says to them, "I trust you," in this regard!

To me, the most frustrating thing about control types is this issue of trust. By constantly second-guessing, interjecting and intervening they communicate that we cannot be trusted with the matter at hand. Or worse, that we are not competent, or capable enough to handle the responsibility, project, or situation.

I am a recovering control freak. I still have a long way to go, but over the years I've become more aware of my need to control and why. As I've aged and surrendered much of my need to control (not all), I've discovered how freeing it is to encourage others, and let things go. Most surprising has been my response to control types. I have a very low tolerance for them. I don't engage, or get mad, but instead, simply let them go and try to disappear from the scene in silent resignation. It's just not that important to me, or worth the fight. At 50 and after cancer, I guess I've realized that some things just aren't as important, or urgent as they once seemed.

I've also learned that you and I will never change a group, or persons need to control others. It's something they have to face on their own. For some it's about perfection, and for others it's the result of their parents and formative family issues. Control is nearly always born from some type of past dysfunction. There is a deep-seeded need to always be right and have all the answers. Some control freaks actually do face it and as they do, they get in touch with their need to control and make meaningful, life-altering changes. They go on to become great leaders, supporters, friends and cheerleaders. People no longer run from them, or sigh and mentally check out of a meeting when they speak or lead it because they realize now they will be heard, or respected. However, many do not and their control issues simply serve to alienate them from the very people they are called to serve, lead, help and love. I wish I had learned this a long time ago, there's so much I should've let go and let God in my life. I'm trying hard to do that now.

Paul's words have become emblazoned on my heart, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty (freedom)." Control types take heart, let go and let God!

A Reminder We All Need

Cancer SUCKS!

I really hate that last word in the title for this blog. I try not to use it, but I must confess it's the best word in regard to my feelings about cancer. I am apologizing in advance because it will appear again in this blog entry. If it bothers you to the point of not getting the point of this blog entry, just surf onto something else now. Ok, enough of the disclaimer about the use of the word I don't like to use.

Prior to having cancer followed by chemo and radiation, I thought the disease was just sad and disappointing. Keep in mind that prior to my dance with this disease I was around it on a fairly regular basis----occupational hazard and as a result I walked through some tough stuff with families in the cancer battle. However, it didn't really SUCK (last apology) until I got it.

Let me be clear. Just because something sucks, doesn't mean you can't respect it, or appreciate its reach, scope and impact. It doesn't mean you can't learn from it. To the contrary. I've learned a lot about myself, faith, life, medicine, and people because of cancer. It doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't like having a flat tire, but because I've had one, I know exactly how disruptive and inconvenient it can be. I don't like root canals, but having had one I have a deeper appreciation, or shall I say aversion to them.

Although I've completed my chemo and radiation, today one simple, little act of health maintenance reminded me that I am not free of cancer's grip. I had to have my port flushed at the Cancer Center. My port is still in my chest for a year in case the cancer returns. Now there's a thought I try not to entertain too often because that would mean transplant therapy and oober chemo to prepare for it. The port has to be flushed every six weeks to prevent clotting. Ah the lovely smell of saline and heparin being injected into your chest brings back those warm (NOT!) chemo infusion day memories.

So what brought this about? This week in my world: 1) a good friend and fellow pastor, Charlie has been diagnosed with a stage 4, inoperable brain tumor; 2) one of our elders and also a good friend has been diagnosed with slow-growing NHL; 3) the father of an old friend and parishioner has been diagnosed with a malignant lung/cardio tumor and; 4) a close friend is awaiting word on suspicious prostate biopsies. That's all it took! And for anyone who has had, or has cancer, that's ENOUGH. It's one thing when it's my body, but when it's people I love and care about, it is just too much.

We cannot escape cancer in a fallen world. God never intended it to be part of human DNA. His first paradise was created in perfection before humans corrupted it with the selfishness of sin. Thanks be to God that his second and eternal paradise will, according to His promises, be free of cancer, disease, tears, pain, sorrow, etc.

But for now cancer still SUCKS! Being patient, learning hard lessons from, and processing my cancer is one thing. But wanting to "fix" the cancer in these loved ones and others is sometimes overwhelming because I don't want them to have to go through it. And then I realize, I can't "fix" it for them, and if I could it would deprive them of the deep truths, rich experiences and personal growth they can experience on the journey no matter how dark it may appear. It would keep them from knowing God and leaning into His word like never before. It would rob them of the joy that really can be found in suffering. Still, I pray and plead to God for their healing. God absolutely ROCKS, but cancer still SUCKS!

The Appropriate Prayer for a New Year

There are many prayers worthy for a new year, but for me, Niebuhr's, Serenity Prayer seems so appropriate as we head into the unknown joys and challenges of 2012. The prayer was first attributed to theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr in a 1943 sermon. It became the official prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most of us know the popular, shorter version:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

For lives moving near the speed of light in our daily paces I think the full prayer offered by Niebuhr is the better choice as we begin a new year:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.