Have I Made a Difference?

Prescript: This is not the melancholy ramblings of a life of regret. It’s simply an honest reflection. Some will not like it, some will be challenged and a few may even take delight in the personal shortcomings and admissions. I hope those are fewer than greater.

This is probably the most difficult question any human can answer, let alone a Christ-follower. It’s hard to look in the mirror, or flip through the memory bank of your mind and honestly answer this penetrating question. It’s similar to asking “Have I pleased you Lord with my life?” Or, “How do you know you’ve followed the will of God in your calling?”

Such questions are good for the heart, mind and soul. They force us to look deep within and question our motives, intent and desire. My current life verse from Psalm 37:4 (“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”) is along the same lines. Most of us would like to interpret it as saying that God is going to give us whatever we desire---far from it! Read it again. It says that we must “delight” ourselves in the Lord and then He will give us the desires of our hearts. In other words, put God at the top in all things and He will give us desires that are His because we are focused on Him. It means that God will change our hearts from selfish desires to Godly desires because we are putting Him at the head of life.

So am I avoiding the question? Yeah because I’m not sure I like my answer. If I’m going to be gut level honest (something that makes a lot of people real nervous, especially uptight Christians who need “perfect” answers from their leaders, or refuse to risk being vulnerable under any circumstances), I have to say: “Not much.”

I know I've made a difference in the lives of some friends and family as they have mine. But have I touched some lives and made a difference for some people, churches, and organizations I’ve been privileged to serve? I’m sure I’ve made a small contribution along the way, but if I’m going to be real honest, I’d have to say I’ve really fallen short of what God wanted, expected and intended for my life and ministry.

I think far too long I focused on producing faithful church members and denominational loyalists, instead of devoted Christ-followers. I know I often worried more about what people thought or were saying about my leadership than fulfilling God’s will. Many times I interpreted venomous, divisive, hyper-critical comments about my leadership, sermons, teaching, etc., instead of realizing that the comments were more about the person making them than me personally, even if they didn’t know it. Not to mention the constant battle those in pastoral ministry have dealing with the all too frequent, unrealistic demands and expectations placed upon them by church members or the community. Many times I’ve fought when I should’ve loved. I’ve criticized when I should have comforted. I’ve avoided people when I should have confronted. If I’m really honest I have to say there are times I’ve asked myself: “Lord, will they still like me if I do this?” Instead of asking, “Oh Father, are you pleased with what I’m doing?”

Making a difference for Christ is often interpreted or answered by pastoral types through church statistics. Wrong answer! Jesus only had 12 followers. No mega-congregation, extremely limited earthly resources, no home, and no parade of large buildings to validate His leadership or legacy. He left an empty, borrowed tomb. Yet He changed the world and nearly every life He encountered. Keep in mind some walked away from His message and many refused to follow Him. He made a big difference, so much so that peoples lives are still being affected by His teaching and ministry over 2,000 years after His physical death.

Remember Jesus’ encounter with the Rich Young Ruler in Matt. 19? Right after the man walked away Peter speaks for many of us when he says:

27Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"
I think there have been many times as a Christ-follower I’ve been like Peter in reaction to the man who was unwilling to submit to the authority of Christ. And then I’m reminded of Jesus’ answer to Peter’s question and the rest of the disciples:

28Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

So what has this transparent self-examination done for me? Convinced me of the need to make an even greater attempt to live out Psalm 37:4 and focus solely on delighting in Him! May it be so, may it be so!

Postscript:
While my kids aren’t perfect, I do believe they are one earthly example of whether or not I’ve made a difference. Of all the things my wife and I have attempted and I’ve screwed up, it’s one thing we got right. Thank you Father for our kids and the people they are becoming!