Punitives: Mishaving Badly

"I'm going to take my toys and go home," is a phrase we associate with spoiled children. The phrase usually accompanies an event, or follows a temper tantrum because the child didn't get his/her way. I would bet that all of us can remember a similar incident from our formative years. Hopefully the memory isn't a personal testimony! Unfortunately these children grow into adults. I call the adults "punitives".

You would think as adults we grow out of the spoiled, temper-tantrum, pouting prone antics of childhood, but some people don't. All of us know someone who has made a scene, or pouted because they didn't get their way at work, socially, at church, or within a family. There are two primary, punitive tactics used by this tribe:

• Sulking, retreat and withdrawal. The intent here is to punish with silence, or inactivity. The reasoning works like this: "I'm not getting my way so I'm going to disengage." "My idea wasn't used by the group so I'm not going to participate until it is." Best response to this tactic? Ignore it and don't validate it. Then at the appropriate time speak the truth in love.
  

• Temper-tantrums. These are usually done in public in an effort to gain support for his/her cause. Unfortunately temper tantrums alienate the very people we are trying to convince of our position. No one wants to hang out with a whiner. Typically the group will turn on the "punitive" instead of taking his/her side. Best response to this tactic: Draw a strong boundary and let them know that this dysfunctional, punitive behavior will not be tolerated. Be prepared to move without them too. Remember, each person is responsible for his/her behavior. You don't have to answer for their actions, but you are responsible for your response!
  

As children, punitives were known as "cry babies," "whiner's," and "spoiled sports". As adults they are irresponsible, shallow, immature and self-centered. Think about it. When I pull out of my neighborhood association study committee because they didn't adopt my suggestion, I reveal that I was only committed to the group as long as I got my way. I failed to pull my wait. It's irresponsible. Sports teams, companies, civic organizations and even churches know the pain and frustration such personalities can cause.

Punitives rarely see their behavior for what it is. It's like a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The person who loses the most is the one engaging in the childish behavior. She/he loses the joy that comes from being part of something larger than self. They miss out on the natural camaraderie and shared strength teams/groups produce. She/he loses respect among their team, peers and neighbors. They also lose trust, something that's vital to organizational culture. Who wants to trust and confide in someone who continually threatens the larger group with potential punitive behavior? Teams and groups need to know that everyone is committed to the greater goal, or mission. If not, they will become suspect, and never let down their guard (transparency) with the punitive person. This creates a false relationship absent of trust.

Tactics, attitudes and actions like this are simply emotional blackmail and manipulation. Like a spoiled child adults who engage in this behavior are enabled when everyone around them caves into their actions in order to avoid a blowup, or big stink. Look back far enough and you will probably find that their parents enabled them instead of using some form of discipline. This behavior is learned at an early age.

Churches should be the last place to allow punitive behavior. It's not biblical. However, churches can be famous for enabling, or promoting dysfunctional behavior for fear of "judging" another member/follower. The church road is littered with the bodies of members, small group leaders, pastors, deacons and elders who have fallen victim to this kind of personality. Punitives thrive when they get there way. They hold groups, churches, teams and boards hostage.

I don't recall when it happened but at some point during my 20 years of pastoral ministry I realized that I wasn't going to "get my way" all the time. I knew that a long time ago, but I don't think I really believed it. Even if I was justified, or had pure motives, I had to learn that God's way is better. And His way often involves sacrifice, pain, and self-denial. However, when you realize that punitive behavior robs God of His glory, it knocks you to your knees. Or it should. And when we are on our knees we are in the right position to hear what God wants, which may very well be the polar opposite of what you had in mind. Newsflash: God got by just fine without us before we were born and He will continue when we are gone.

We can avoid this dysfunctional behavior by staying humble, on our knees and making sure everything we do brings glory to God and builds up the church. Now that's a good place to start. We can ask ourselves: how is my attitude/actions bringing glory to God and building up His church? And now the kicker, respond with great love and forgiveness for those those who realize they have been excluding God by pursuing their own agenda. It's a rude awakening and a humbling one. I know from personal experiencing.

Philippians 2:1-11 is a healthy reminder for all of us that even Jesus pursued His father's agenda. It's a path worthy of following.