- The spouse of someone with cancer
- The parent of a child with special needs
- The spouse/child of someone with Alzheimer's
- The parent of a child in prison
- The child of an aging parent
- The spouse of an alcoholic/addict
There are four mainline supports for these folks:
- God in Christ
- The church (small groups, pastoral/deacon/elder staff, etc.)
- Family
- Close Friends
But why are so many caregivers overburdened, depressed, feeling lonely and overwhelmed? If these supports are really available, why are so many caregivers at the end of their rope? One reason is that caregiving is a 24/7 role even if the person is reasonably capable of functioning. One hot meal carried in, a quick visit, or an email isn't enough. It's a start, but it's not enough. We can do more. We should do more, because there but for the grace God go you and I!
However, caregivers have got to reach out, cry out and pull the "help" cord. Have you ever been into an older hospital, or nursing home bathroom? Remember those pull cords by the toilet? Most of them are pulled all the way down and aren't even used anymore. But they were there for a reason. If a patient needed help they could pull the cord. Life is the same way. You gotta pull the cord when you need help. You gotta reach out. You gotta speak up. Chances are there's an army of friends and family ready to help, but they don't know if no one tells them!
In pastoral ministry we call it the crystal ball syndrome. People go to the hospital, or have a family crisis, don't tell anyone, and then lament when the pastor, or a church leader doesn't show up to help them. The pastor doesn't have a crystal ball! I missed the seminary class when they passed them out. I sure wish I had one. Then again, I'm glad I don't!
Caregivers you have an awesome and often daunting task and calling. Most of us can't imagine what you go through until we are wearing your shoes. During my cancer battle I had all this support (medical, family, friends, etc.), but I kept thinking about my wife. Who helps her? Who washes her feet? Who listens to her heavy heart? I'm grateful for some very special people, two women in particular who know a lot about cancer who reached out to her and took the initiative to minister to her. Still, there were times I knew she was carrying a heavy load while I was in treatment. One of her sisters was absolutely faithful in wiping her tears during those days.
It became even more clear to me when our dog was recently diagnosed with cancer. It had been one year since I was in treatment. This is the second rescue dog diagnosed with cancer on both sides of my lymphoma and surgeries that led up to it. One was euthanized after my first surgery so the emotional impact of this new diagnosis was heavy for us. When the news came, all the junk surrounding my cancer came back up. As the victim/patient, I wasn't prepared to deal with it because when it all went down the previous year I was getting chemo and radiation and didn't have the advantage of processing all this with her. For the first time I really experienced what she must have experienced the previous three years: a feeling of helplessness. I couldn't "fix" it!
Caregivers I'm begging you to speak up! Tell a friend, family member, pastor, small group member, anyone you can trust. Let them decide if they can handle it or not. And by the way, you aren't weak for crying out. In fact, you are smart if you do! Don't "wall" off the world, pretend it's not happening, or bury your head in the sand. It will eventually surface. It comes out and if it's unprocessed it can come out in very destructive ways. Find someone who is somewhat disconnected that can offer an objective ear and simply hear your heart. And if you have the privilege of being the person a caregiver vents too please just listen, pray with them, hug and hold them. Try to limit the advice. Just let them know you care, but even more, let them know there is One who cares even more than you:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7)
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. (Ps. 55:22)
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