Austin Webb - Slip on By

There's some rich wisdom and solid theology in Austin Webb's, "Slip on By".  Redeem the time people whether you're 10, 30, or 80!  The days are fleeting and time is precious.  It's all gift, every breath, every second, every day.

Don’t Diagnose Through Your Guilt!

I was fortunate to be part of multi-generations of ministers to study under Dr. Wayne Oates in seminary.    Dr. Oates was the pioneer who combined the disciplines of psychology, pastoral care, and counseling.  He is also the person who coined the term, “workaholic,” through his classic, “Confessions of a Workaholic”.  Dr. Oates was the father of the discipline known as Pastoral Care. His book, Your Particular Grief remains a classic on understanding and coping with grief.   My father studied under Dr. Oates while he was a PhD student at Southern Seminary!  33 years later I would sit in the same building under the great Oates.  By that time he was a noted faculty member of the University of Louisville Medical School, but still sharp as a tack!


Dr. Oates was a humble man and a child of absolute poverty.  He was born in Greenville, South Carolina and was abandoned by his father in infancy.  His grandmother and sister raised him while his mother supported the family working in a cotton mill.  His story is one of courage, compassion and abiding faith.  I remember every class was like listening to pearls of wisdom drip from a humble throne of knowledge and experience.  I never missed an Oates class.  25 years later I still refer to my “Oates’ Notes” on pastoral care.  

I remember something he said in a Pastoral Crisis class that has stuck with me for 25 years.  He said, “Don’t diagnose through your guilt.”  He was referring to people who say things in or right after a crisis like, “If only I had....”, “I should’ve....” you get the idea.  Oates was right.  It serves no purpose. We don’t get a “do-over,” or mulligan in life.  Particular moments in life come and we act/react, but we can never get them back.  Hence the reason, life is precious tread carefully.  Oates was specifically talking about how people are prone to beat themselves up with guilt for things they did, or didn’t do and wish they had done something different to change the outcome of a particular crisis, or event.  

It’s a dangerous game.  Pastor’s and coaches do it all the time.   It’s second-guessing and it’s not good after a crisis.  It serves no purpose.  It can become a sacred cow and hinder us from processing stuff in healthy ways that promotes healing.  I understand the 9th step of the 12 Steps in Recovery: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. However, that is something that’s done in an intentional process of recovery and healing, not immediately.  I’m all for taking responsibility, confession and seeking forgiveness.  But there comes a point when lamenting, and drowning in guilt is not helpful.  It can even become idolatrous.  

Every week I encounter people living with incredible guilt.  Some from childhood, a former marriage, relationship, job, etc.  They beat themselves up and they refuse to let God’s grace work in their lives.  Many of these people are Christ-followers.  They are holding the future hostage because of past mistakes, behaviors and decisions.  They are rearview mirror people.  

If that’s you, stop!  The path to healing and restoration is forward.  Do the work of repentance and confession, but once you’ve done that move on.  Learn from the mistake, but don’t be held hostage by your past.  Jesus makes all things new!  He promises abundant living.  Paul says we are new creations because of Him.  

I thank the late-saint, Dr. Oates who helped me understand that I can’t change the past and if I’m really letting grace work, I am leaning into Jesus, letting that baggage go and looking forward.  Process the past with capable and called pastors, pastoral counselors, etc., but don’t be chained to the past.  Let go and move on.  And when you do you can help free others from the chains of guilt.  Live as free people whose freedom has been purchased at great cost!

Oh Be Careful Little Ones Who You Trust

One of the earliest things a small child is taught is in whom they can trust outside of family.  Police officers, doctors, certain neighbors, and teachers are all people our parents said we could trust.  If we were ever in trouble growing up these were some of the adults we could go to for safety and protection.   We knew they were safe because our parents told us.

Who tells us in whom to trust as adults?  Who do we trust outside family? The older I get the more I realize how difficult this is to discern.  In whom can I trust?  Who can I run to in trouble?  Who will not betray a confidence?  Who is safe no matter what we share?  Sooner or later you learn the hard lesson that you can’t trust everyone.  It’s sad, but it is reality. 

We can naively assume everyone that calls himself or herself a Christian/Christ-follower is someone we can trust.  Sadly, like divorce rates, there is little difference between people in the church and people in the culture in regard to trust percentages.  Let me explain.  I have experienced people in the church that I wouldn’t trust based on their behavior, actions, attitudes, and even watching them turn on others.  Yet, I have known people throughout my life who were not Christ-followers, but were as honest and trustworthy as the day is long.   To be fair, I can recall people in the business world who weren’t as trustworthy as my Sunday School teacher was during those years.  Billy Sunday once said, “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.” 

The danger in the church context is that we can easily assume every one is trustworthy and not out for selfish gain.  We assume people in the church know how to act with humility, unconditional love, pure motives and genuine concern.  If we’ve spent any time at all in the church, we know that just because our leader and model (Jesus Christ) acted this way it doesn’t mean everyone under the steeple does.   The culture and the church are both filled with flawed, sinful and broken people.  There’s a ton of unhealthy pride in the church camouflaged in religious phrases and language. 

As a PK, I grew up hearing the story of how a deacon who disagreed with my father actually hit him during a church meeting when I was an infant.  By the way, my Dad didn’t retaliate!  Now that’s really the kind of behavior that builds trust isn’t it?  At least the man was straight up and didn’t play the church game of using the language of religion to cover his selfish and sinful attitudes like a lot of people do.  Those people are far more dangerous because they cloak their destructive and divisive behavior in a spiritual blanket---for the “greater cause of the church, Christ,” etc.  Bottom-line some of the most divisive, manipulative, controlling, distrusting people I’ve met have been in various churches, or churches where friends served on staff. 

I remember a deacons meeting (they are supposed to be in confidence) that dealt with a touchy issue many years ago and a deacon’s spouse mentioned much of that discussion to me in a separate conversation about another matter several weeks later.  At that point I knew that deacon could not be trusted to hold confidences.  So I never confided in that individual again.  It didn’t change my love for them, but it changed my approach.

It’s funny.  Bring someone into the church with “street sense” (if I have to explain what that is you don’t have it) and despite a lack of experience with religion they will know in very short order whom they can trust and whom they can’t.  You can’t teach that.  Discernment is not an exclusive gift to Christians.  Some of the most discerning people in this area might surprise you.  Police officers, military, HR professionals, prison inmates, social workers, gang members, journalists, and bartenders are really good at knowing whom they can trust.

Don’t assume because someone identifies his or herself as a Christ-follower, church, or fellow small group member that you can trust them.  Trust takes time.  Trust has to be earned.  I’m not asking you to rule everyone out and never open up your heart.  I’m simply saying be smart about it.  And don’t be surprised when someone breaks your trust.  If they are the real deal they will be approachable and earnestly seek to understand how they hurt you and seek reconciliation.  And if they won’t, or they are too proud, shake the dust from your feet! 

And The Hits Just Keep On Coming!

There's a popular line uttered by Tom Cruise's character in the movie, A Few Good Men.  Cruise's character, Naval lawyer Lt. Daniel Kaffee keeps getting bad news in his effort to defend two U.S. Marines charged with the murder of a fellow Marine stationed at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base.  As the investigation gets more complicated in his effort to mount a defense Lt. Kaffee proclaims: "And the hits just keep on coming."

Ever feel like that?  Usually it works like this:  Your hot water heater dies, the baby gets an ear infection, you forget to pay a monthly bill and it's turned over for collection, your boss doubles your workload without a salary increase, and your neighbor put his new fence on your property.   And it all happens over a two-week period!  It's enough to make you hit the eject button, run away, or go into hiding.

Guess what?  The hits will continue to come as long as we're in an earth suit.  Such is the fate of living in a fallen a world.  Some days are worse than others.  When this stuff piles up it can have a cumulative effect and begin to affect nearly every relationship we have.  Unfortunately, those closest to us seem to catch the brunt of it.  You can only take so much for so long.

This is why we need healthy coping outlets and relationships in our lives.  Exercise, healthy sleep and eating habits, a good friend, and the ability to unwind, unplug, get away, or retreat is essential for coping in a "hits" barrage.  Bad eating habits, a lack of exercise, interrupted sleep, increased alcohol and drug use can make a hits barrage feel like a nuclear warhead hit your soul.  And none of us is immune!

My last hits bombardment really blew a hole in my soul.  I know what to do when the hits keep coming, but it was as if I was paralyzed and unable to get up.  For me, journaling, reading, and talking things through with close friends and family helped me to get a handle on what was happening.  I was also able to get some distance from it, which allowed me to catch up emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.  As I got some distance my perspective changed.  The situation did not, but I started to realize all the good things in my life despite the latest "hits".

Perspective can be a great teacher.   The late Kentucky governor and former baseball commissioner, A.B. Happy Chandler used to say, "Every day is a good day, it's just that some are better than others."

Don't lose heart if you are feeling the hits.  Press into healthy habits, call a close friend, dig into God's Word, take a walk, journal, pray, work out, fish, golf, and do whatever you've got to do to replenish, renew and recharge your batteries.  There's only one of you and YOU have got to be the one responsible for your care!

Two great Kevlar promises from God when you are under fire:  Isaiah 43:2; Ephesians 6:10-20