Oh Be Careful Little Ones Who You Trust

One of the earliest things a small child is taught is in whom they can trust outside of family.  Police officers, doctors, certain neighbors, and teachers are all people our parents said we could trust.  If we were ever in trouble growing up these were some of the adults we could go to for safety and protection.   We knew they were safe because our parents told us.

Who tells us in whom to trust as adults?  Who do we trust outside family? The older I get the more I realize how difficult this is to discern.  In whom can I trust?  Who can I run to in trouble?  Who will not betray a confidence?  Who is safe no matter what we share?  Sooner or later you learn the hard lesson that you can’t trust everyone.  It’s sad, but it is reality. 

We can naively assume everyone that calls himself or herself a Christian/Christ-follower is someone we can trust.  Sadly, like divorce rates, there is little difference between people in the church and people in the culture in regard to trust percentages.  Let me explain.  I have experienced people in the church that I wouldn’t trust based on their behavior, actions, attitudes, and even watching them turn on others.  Yet, I have known people throughout my life who were not Christ-followers, but were as honest and trustworthy as the day is long.   To be fair, I can recall people in the business world who weren’t as trustworthy as my Sunday School teacher was during those years.  Billy Sunday once said, “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.” 

The danger in the church context is that we can easily assume every one is trustworthy and not out for selfish gain.  We assume people in the church know how to act with humility, unconditional love, pure motives and genuine concern.  If we’ve spent any time at all in the church, we know that just because our leader and model (Jesus Christ) acted this way it doesn’t mean everyone under the steeple does.   The culture and the church are both filled with flawed, sinful and broken people.  There’s a ton of unhealthy pride in the church camouflaged in religious phrases and language. 

As a PK, I grew up hearing the story of how a deacon who disagreed with my father actually hit him during a church meeting when I was an infant.  By the way, my Dad didn’t retaliate!  Now that’s really the kind of behavior that builds trust isn’t it?  At least the man was straight up and didn’t play the church game of using the language of religion to cover his selfish and sinful attitudes like a lot of people do.  Those people are far more dangerous because they cloak their destructive and divisive behavior in a spiritual blanket---for the “greater cause of the church, Christ,” etc.  Bottom-line some of the most divisive, manipulative, controlling, distrusting people I’ve met have been in various churches, or churches where friends served on staff. 

I remember a deacons meeting (they are supposed to be in confidence) that dealt with a touchy issue many years ago and a deacon’s spouse mentioned much of that discussion to me in a separate conversation about another matter several weeks later.  At that point I knew that deacon could not be trusted to hold confidences.  So I never confided in that individual again.  It didn’t change my love for them, but it changed my approach.

It’s funny.  Bring someone into the church with “street sense” (if I have to explain what that is you don’t have it) and despite a lack of experience with religion they will know in very short order whom they can trust and whom they can’t.  You can’t teach that.  Discernment is not an exclusive gift to Christians.  Some of the most discerning people in this area might surprise you.  Police officers, military, HR professionals, prison inmates, social workers, gang members, journalists, and bartenders are really good at knowing whom they can trust.

Don’t assume because someone identifies his or herself as a Christ-follower, church, or fellow small group member that you can trust them.  Trust takes time.  Trust has to be earned.  I’m not asking you to rule everyone out and never open up your heart.  I’m simply saying be smart about it.  And don’t be surprised when someone breaks your trust.  If they are the real deal they will be approachable and earnestly seek to understand how they hurt you and seek reconciliation.  And if they won’t, or they are too proud, shake the dust from your feet!