Not So Fast!

For most of us life is moving at 90+ MPH.  Thanks largely to technology our world is flying.  We try to cram so much into our day's and then wonder where the time went when we look at our calendars, or "to do" lists.  This isn't a rant on technology so Millennials and tech savvy Buster's n' Boomers don't worry.

One of the liabilities of moving so fast is that we make quick decisions that defy logic.  Impulse posts, tweets, blogs, purchases and decisions are gaining ground.  For those who follow professional golf lean into this analogy.  I can think of a dozen, or so young PGA players (especially those who've won some recent Major's)  that have won a big tournament and within weeks they have replaced their management team, agent, and club/shoe manufacturer sponsors.  Not to mention swing coaches.  Follow them after these abrupt changes and you soon discover that many of the changes came when everything was moving soooooooo fast and they seem to have gotten caught up in all of it.  Many of them struggle to win again the same year.  And for some the win drought is a lot longer.  My question is why?

Why would you change something that is working?  Why would you tinker, or mess with a good thing?  So let me get this straight----you won with your first swing coach, Titleist clubs, and Adidas shoes.  But all of the sudden after your big win you switch to Nike clubs, Nike shoes and a new swing coach?  Several have even switched caddies, or management teams.  If you won, or were doing well why wouldn't you stay with the girl you brought to the dance?  I understand that sometimes change is necessary, but many of these are changing without thinking it through, or stopping to consider what/who helped get them to the winning moment.

Churches and Christ-followers are no exception.  Sometimes we change simply for the sake of change. I don't get it.  Let's say we have a successful ministry going and people are being ministered to and lives are being changed.  Why this overwhelming need to tinker with what's working?  People do it on their jobs, with home/car and other big ticket purchases, a favorite restaurant, physicians, and more.  We are far too easily  distracted when success, victory or a good season comes.  We tend to forget the things/people that got is there.  I'm all for innovation and change, but wise are the people who think things through and introduce change slowly!  I'm not saying you have to move like a turtle, but why move at the speed of sound?

What changes are you about to make?  How much thought have you given to this change?  Have you prayed about?  Have you sought wise and objective counsel?  Or, are you going with your gut?  Be careful!  Gut, or intuition is a marvelous thing, but important decisions should be based on much more than emotions.  Something may "feel" right, but in the big picture it's not.  Just because I walk into a grocery store hungry there is no reason to fill my shopping cart with junk food. That's bad decision making and poor logic.  It shows I am reacting to my circumstances instead of acting with wisdom and conviction.

I've shared this before but it's worth repeating.  Years ago, a very wise man and boss taught me the art of "sleeping on it".  Our organization had been short-changed by a vendor and I rifled off an accurate, but hot letter of protest.  My boss read the letter and even said it was well-written.  Then he asked me to put it in my desk drawer, go home, pray and think about it overnight.  The next day I pulled it out of my desk and reviewed it.  Ouch!  While accurate it was not appropriate.  Time and distance had given me a different perspective.  Wisdom dictated that I should destroy the letter and I did.

So let me encourage you to take some time on your decisions.  Think it through.  Wrestle with it, pray over it and seek the input of those you respect.  If you still believe it's the right decision then by all means go for it!  However, be open to putting on the brakes and taking stock of just how good things are going.  You never know, you just might gain an appreciation for the way things are going.  

How to Join and How to Leave a Church: Part 2

How we join, or choose a church is incredibly important.  Make a mistake in searching for a church, or joining one and you could be leaving quicker than intended.  The first and most important rule for joining a new church is to take your time.  Don't rush this process.  Go slow, get to know the church, leaders, people, and ministries.  I can't say this enough, GO SLOOOOOOOOOW!

Pastoral leaders are all too familiar with "newbies" who come and within one or two visits seem to have all the answers to the church's problems.  They act as if the church has been paralyzed before the arrival of their talents and gifts.   Trust me that is not the case.  Odds are that the church has been doing just fine.  You see if a church is totally dependent upon one member, or family something is wrong.     Imagine going to a new restaurant and telling your waiter/waitress what is wrong with their restaurant before you've ever had a meal.  Even the best restaurants can have a bad day in the kitchen or with service.  One visit isn't enough even for tenured Christ-followers.

We live in an impulse-driven world rooted in immediate satisfaction.  When we apply this approach to joining a church we circumvent the natural process.  We aren't buying a new shirt, or cell phone.  We are "buying in" to a living organism and that takes time.  Relational investments are not best served quickly.  It takes time.  Who among us hasn't made some impulse purchase only to regret it, or be bored by it months later?  The flash, or thrill eventually wears off.   Joining a church takes time and wise are the people who do their homework and dig deep in prayer and reflection.

Ask people sitting next to you about the church.  What drew them to the church?  What do they like most?  How has the church helped them grow in their faith?  Is this a typical service, or small group?  Have their been any negatives?

Ask pastoral leaders about the church.  If it's a mega/large church try to find the pastor assigned to your area, or age group and schedule a lunch, or time to get together over coffee.  When you do be open and honest about your search.  If you left your previous church with unresolved conflict DO NOT hide it from them.  Tell them, but don't make it the centerpiece of your discussion.  In fact, if you left with unresolved conflict I strongly suggest you backtrack and meet with the person(s), or leadership in the church you left.  Seek reconciliation even if you know you are leaving.  This honors Christ and the church.  The previous post has enough about carrying unhealthy baggage from one church to the next.

Ask about service opportunities and let them know your spiritual gifts.  Ask how they help their members grow in their faith.  If you don't know your spiritual gifts ask if they can help you identify, develop and use them for Christ.  Ask about the membership process and what is involved.  Ask what leadership expects from members and what members can expect from leadership.  This blog presupposes that you checked out the church's core beliefs, values, theology and mission before you ever stepped foot on the property.  But if you have a question about a specific value, or belief by all means ask when you meet with a ministry leader.

Seek out a small group leader (Adult Bible Fellowship or Sunday School class) and check out several before landing in one.  You may not be a "fit" for a particular group and that's okay, but there may be others that "fit" like a glove.  Remember this is about relationships and relationship building takes time! A reasonable time for a tenured Christ-follower to join a church is somewhere between 3-6 months if you have really gotten involved, asked these questions, done your homework and prayed through what God wants you to do in regard to your church membership.  Don't move too quick and don't wait too long.  But above all, wait until God affirms your decision to join.  Don't be pressured into joining either, but don't let it run forever so you have no accountability with the greater body in your spiritual life.

Finally, a word about joining a "niche" church.  A "niche" church is one we join specifically for the children's, student, or women's ministry, music ministry, the location/time of the worship service, etc., without ever considering the rest of the church.  Parents often join a particular church just for their children.  I'm all for wanting the best for our kids, but don't let them drive the bus of church membership.  You are the parent, or the adult.  You are the spiritual leader in your home so lead.  Perhaps God is calling you to a small, or struggling youth ministry to help build it up?  If you are joining just for the preaching/teaching, or the music you are short-changing yourself and being short-sighted for immediate gratification.  There's nothing wrong about tapping into your sweet spot and passion, but when we do it at the expense of the "big picture" and the rest of the church we may find ourselves headed for the road of disappointment in the months/years to come when that particular ministry is no longer fulfilling, or when we need more in our faith development.  This is why we are placing such a high value on small groups in our church.  It's where you really connect and build relationships.  Nothing shows the heart of a church quicker than small group life.  It's like a micro-window to the soul of the church at large.

Clemson Head Football Coach, Dabo Swinney is known for saying, "I'm all in!"  So let me just say that after you've moved through the process, prayed and feel God's clear direction to join a church be "all in" at the church!  Practice the ministry of presence.  Invest your time, energy and resources to personally grow and help the church grow so it can impact the culture for Christ.  Don't be a spectator member that only shows up for Sunday worship.  Dig in, invest and contribute for the glory of God.

How to Join and How to Leave a Church: Part 1

How we join, or leave a church is really important, especially if it is the result of conflict.  How we leave or join says more about our personal walk in Christ than we know.  It's about character.  Christ and Paul call us to be reconcilers with a loving spirit extending the very grace we so desperately crave for ourselves.  When we exit with anger, unresolved conflict, or a negative spirit we do not edify the larger body of Christ, the church.

Over the years I have seen people come and go in the church I served at the time for a variety of reasons.  Some were great exits, others were painful.  And some arrivals even proved difficult.  For example, think about the person who moves to a new area after living some place for an extended period of time.  They join a new church, but during the first year all they talk about is their former church, elders/deacons, staff, and ministries.  No matter what their new church is doing they find it doesn't measure up to their former church and they let everyone know about it at their new church.  Suddenly the standard for measuring the new church is not related to the resources, ministry context, spiritual gifts and movement of the Spirit in the new church, but only in comparison to the old church.  Context is everything in the local church.  The church is simply the people of God and since no two persons are alike, no two churches are alike.  Each is simply trying to live out its mission and purpose in a specific community, with a specific group of people at a specific time.

A lot of people think because they are leaving a big, or mega church it doesn't matter how they exit.  They just drift off and find another church.  While it's true that larger churches have more resources than smaller churches, it does matter how people leave.  Leadership needs to know.  Someone in your small group, Bible fellowship, or the ministry area in which you serve needs to be told in person, not by phone, or email!  They deserve to know and we have a personal responsibility to act with Christian maturity.

People leave churches for all kinds of reasons, healthy, unhealthy, good and bad.  Mature Christ-followers know they have a responsibility to communicate with leadership why they are leaving.  They would never just disappear.   Bill Hybels has a line he often shares with pastors in conferences:  "Don't cut and run!"  The same can be applied to church members.  I've noticed that some people who leave churches have a pattern of doing so.  The perception is that their needs are not being met so they leave.  No one knows about their dissatisfaction, or if they have been hurt by someone or something in the church.  There is no opportunity to sit down and honestly discuss the issues, problems, or complaints.  As you review their church history you soon discover that they have a pattern of moving from one church to another over a certain period of time.  It is always about "that church" and rarely, if ever, do they honestly reflect on how they contributed to the problem, or issue.  Each time they bring the unresolved personal baggage connected to their former church(es) to the new church so their starting point is not healthy.  Mark the calendar because it won't be long they will move to another church for the same reason.

Don't misunderstand.  I believe there are good reasons to leave a church and join another one.  I do believe God may use us for a season somewhere and at some point leads us to a new community of faith.  But the majority of people leave churches for a handful of reasons.  Differences in theology, or biblical interpretation are very low on the list of why people leave churches.  By far and wide it's usually due to unresolved conflict, perceived/real hurt, feelings, ego, or unresolved issues from a pattern of dysfunction by the church, leaders, another member, or the person leaving.   Again, not all, but most of   those who leave in anger, haste, or dissatisfaction are rarely invested in the life of the church beyond Sunday worship.  They are not fully engaged in a small group, or invested in a specific ministry where they are using their gifts.  Translation:  They are disconnected.

It's easy to be a Sunday attender, it's harder to be a fully invested and active church member.   In many cases the church becomes like a restaurant menu.  When the selections are limited it's time for them to choose another restaurant and menu where they can get what they want.  To be sure, the personal benefits of church membership are many, but  it is more about contributing, giving, investing in others and being part of something larger than ourselves, than it is meeting personal needs, wants and desires.  It's hard to read the book of Acts and treat the church like a personal menu to meet my needs with a straight face.   Sacrifice, self-denial, mutual submission, practicing forgiveness, giving, encouraging and building up are the marks of the New Testament Church.

Leave with dignity!  Even if leadership, or someone  in the church you are leaving cannot.  Honestly communicate your reasons for leaving and give them the opportunity to ask questions, clarify and seek understanding.  Sometimes we simply are led to move and there is no pain, hurt, or specific issue. We simply sense that God has something else in another place.  And that's okay, but communicate your decision.  Who knows the conversation could lead you to prayerfully reconsider your decision, or it will give you peace about the direction you feel God is leading.  Either way you can leave with your head held high.  I have always respected and appreciated people who are honest about why they are leaving even if it involved criticism.  It is healthy.  It provides the opportunity for leaders to learn and grow as well as the exiting members.

Don't leave pointing fingers and shouting.  Read Matthew 18 if you believe someone in the church has sinned against you and follow the directions.  When we leave with bitterness it screams to the culture and only serves to embolden their skepticism about the church and Christ.   Imagine how the seekers, or non-Christians in your world will look at the church after hearing such a critical spirit?  They might very well be thinking:  "You are so upset about this church and you expect me to become a Christ-follower so I can be part of this?"  We are witnesses to the world even when we leave a church!

I'm always a little leery when people show up at our church and the first or second conversation is about everything that was wrong with their former church, pastor or leaders.  It's a tell.  It tells me that they did not leave in peace.  It tells me that they are carrying baggage and makes me wonder how long it will be before the same scenario is repeated with our church, or another one.  It tells me that the "problem" is with the other church and they bear no responsibility.  It tells me about the amount of humility in their life.  And you can take it to the bank they will inevitably  do the same thing down the road with their next church.  It speaks volumes about agendas and issues in their life.  Church members should know that pastors and leaders do share with each other.  We are not in competition with each other and we have a responsibility to share openly and honestly when asked  how someone left our church, or how they served, etc.  I have been contacted many times and asked point blank by a new church if someone was a problem, or joy.  If they were invested, or on the fringe.  If they had a critical spirit, or were mature.

Closure is important in every single relationship.   There is a right and godly way to leave a church.

The Heavy Heart

The human heart weighs between 9-11.0 ounces, but sometimes it feels like 100 lbs!  Having a heavy heart is like trying to walk across the shallow end of a swimming pool filled with mud.  You strain, strive and forge ahead, but you never seem to get beyond the first few steps.  It weighs you down mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually.  You become exhausted just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

Teenagers experience heavy hearts from break-up's.  Losing a parent, spouse, or child can make that swimming pool feel like it's filled with concrete instead of mud.  Social injustices and wrongs against the most innocent in society weigh down the hearts of those with any sense of mercy, or compassion.   You can experience a heavy heart when loved ones or friends are caught in the vicious cycle of addictions.  Chronic illness has certainly weighed down its fair share of human hearts.  Losing a job and facing serious financial pressure can add several pounds to the heart.

I don't think I've ever met a person over 25, who hasn't experienced one, or more heartbreaks in life.  None of us is immune to a heavy heart.  But some people seem to get stuck in the mud and are paralyzed by a heavy heart.  Others (the emotionally needy) wear a heavy heart like a badge of honor because they have found it can bring them a lot of attention, or sympathy.  Often spouses and family  enable these folks.  Instead of lightening their loved one's load they actually add more weight because of the cycle of dysfunction.

It's easy to tell someone with a heavy heart that they need to just,  "get over it!" But it's not that easy, especially if a lot of time has passed and they are drowning in years of unresolved grief, or pain.  We can listen to them, offer objective counsel, encourage and pray for them.  However, at some point they have to choose to let go, get help, or process it.  We can't make them and we can't "fix" it.  But there is One who can.  He said:

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.² In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. ⁴ And you know the way to where I am going.” 
(John 14:1-4, ESV)

See our hearts don't have to be chronically heavy.  God's got this!  He is already working ahead of us.  Yes, I will probably experience a heavy heart many more times before I leave this world, but I don't have to drown in it.  Jesus has made a promise to His followers and not only do I believe Him, but He has never dropped the ball on a single promise He has ever made.  You can have a heavy heart.  It's ok and it's human, but don't let it define/shape you.  Ask God to help you be a "burden-bearer," and I promise the more you focus on helping to lighten the loads of others your own will seem lighter! 

Redeeming the Time

There's no greater thrill than being a grandparent!  I could do this all day.

"Thank you Father for the gift and heritage of family.  Your precious gift of our girls is more than we deserve, or could ever ask of You.  We remain humbled and so very grateful.  Thank you for their health and safe birth's.  Thank you for opportunities like this to simply redeem the time.  You are an awesome and generous God."