Over the years I have seen people come and go in the church I served at the time for a variety of reasons. Some were great exits, others were painful. And some arrivals even proved difficult. For example, think about the person who moves to a new area after living some place for an extended period of time. They join a new church, but during the first year all they talk about is their former church, elders/deacons, staff, and ministries. No matter what their new church is doing they find it doesn't measure up to their former church and they let everyone know about it at their new church. Suddenly the standard for measuring the new church is not related to the resources, ministry context, spiritual gifts and movement of the Spirit in the new church, but only in comparison to the old church. Context is everything in the local church. The church is simply the people of God and since no two persons are alike, no two churches are alike. Each is simply trying to live out its mission and purpose in a specific community, with a specific group of people at a specific time. A lot of people think because they are leaving a big, or mega church it doesn't matter how they exit. They just drift off and find another church. While it's true that larger churches have more resources than smaller churches, it does matter how people leave. Leadership needs to know. Someone in your small group, Bible fellowship, or the ministry area in which you serve needs to be told in person, not by phone, or email! They deserve to know and we have a personal responsibility to act with Christian maturity.
People leave churches for all kinds of reasons, healthy, unhealthy, good and bad. Mature Christ-followers know they have a responsibility to communicate with leadership why they are leaving. They would never just disappear. Bill Hybels has a line he often shares with pastors in conferences: "Don't cut and run!" The same can be applied to church members. I've noticed that some people who leave churches have a pattern of doing so. The perception is that their needs are not being met so they leave. No one knows about their dissatisfaction, or if they have been hurt by someone or something in the church. There is no opportunity to sit down and honestly discuss the issues, problems, or complaints. As you review their church history you soon discover that they have a pattern of moving from one church to another over a certain period of time. It is always about "that church" and rarely, if ever, do they honestly reflect on how they contributed to the problem, or issue. Each time they bring the unresolved personal baggage connected to their former church(es) to the new church so their starting point is not healthy. Mark the calendar because it won't be long they will move to another church for the same reason.
Don't misunderstand. I believe there are good reasons to leave a church and join another one. I do believe God may use us for a season somewhere and at some point leads us to a new community of faith. But the majority of people leave churches for a handful of reasons. Differences in theology, or biblical interpretation are very low on the list of why people leave churches. By far and wide it's usually due to unresolved conflict, perceived/real hurt, feelings, ego, or unresolved issues from a pattern of dysfunction by the church, leaders, another member, or the person leaving. Again, not all, but most of those who leave in anger, haste, or dissatisfaction are rarely invested in the life of the church beyond Sunday worship. They are not fully engaged in a small group, or invested in a specific ministry where they are using their gifts. Translation: They are disconnected.
It's easy to be a Sunday attender, it's harder to be a fully invested and active church member. In many cases the church becomes like a restaurant menu. When the selections are limited it's time for them to choose another restaurant and menu where they can get what they want. To be sure, the personal benefits of church membership are many, but it is more about contributing, giving, investing in others and being part of something larger than ourselves, than it is meeting personal needs, wants and desires. It's hard to read the book of Acts and treat the church like a personal menu to meet my needs with a straight face. Sacrifice, self-denial, mutual submission, practicing forgiveness, giving, encouraging and building up are the marks of the New Testament Church.
Leave with dignity! Even if leadership, or someone in the church you are leaving cannot. Honestly communicate your reasons for leaving and give them the opportunity to ask questions, clarify and seek understanding. Sometimes we simply are led to move and there is no pain, hurt, or specific issue. We simply sense that God has something else in another place. And that's okay, but communicate your decision. Who knows the conversation could lead you to prayerfully reconsider your decision, or it will give you peace about the direction you feel God is leading. Either way you can leave with your head held high. I have always respected and appreciated people who are honest about why they are leaving even if it involved criticism. It is healthy. It provides the opportunity for leaders to learn and grow as well as the exiting members.
Don't leave pointing fingers and shouting. Read Matthew 18 if you believe someone in the church has sinned against you and follow the directions. When we leave with bitterness it screams to the culture and only serves to embolden their skepticism about the church and Christ. Imagine how the seekers, or non-Christians in your world will look at the church after hearing such a critical spirit? They might very well be thinking: "You are so upset about this church and you expect me to become a Christ-follower so I can be part of this?" We are witnesses to the world even when we leave a church!
I'm always a little leery when people show up at our church and the first or second conversation is about everything that was wrong with their former church, pastor or leaders. It's a tell. It tells me that they did not leave in peace. It tells me that they are carrying baggage and makes me wonder how long it will be before the same scenario is repeated with our church, or another one. It tells me that the "problem" is with the other church and they bear no responsibility. It tells me about the amount of humility in their life. And you can take it to the bank they will inevitably do the same thing down the road with their next church. It speaks volumes about agendas and issues in their life. Church members should know that pastors and leaders do share with each other. We are not in competition with each other and we have a responsibility to share openly and honestly when asked how someone left our church, or how they served, etc. I have been contacted many times and asked point blank by a new church if someone was a problem, or joy. If they were invested, or on the fringe. If they had a critical spirit, or were mature.
Closure is important in every single relationship. There is a right and godly way to leave a church.
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