The Wounded Healer

That title isn't original.  Years ago, Dr. Henri Nouwen wrote a book by that title for those engaged in pastoral ministry.  It was mandatory reading in pastoral leadership classes for my generation of seminarians.  Those of us in pastoral ministry are wounded, flawed and imperfect.  But Henri's point was that we are ALL wounded.  He spoke of: a suffering world, a suffering generation, a suffering person and a suffering minister.  His point was that we can use suffering and our wounded hearts in positive and creative ways to minister to others.

Ministers don't get into this to be the emotional whipping post of dysfunctional people.  We are called.  We say "yes," to Jesus without fully realizing what it means.  You can't until years later and you probably wouldn't if you knew then what you know now!  I call that the gentle "blinding of God" in regard to His calling.

I'm 51-years old.  I'm in my 24th year of pastoral ministry and I am the child of a pastor.  I'm no expert, but I think my experience qualifies me to speak on pastoral ministry.  Each year a significant number of ministers go AWOL.  They leave pastoral ministry for many, many reasons.   We are disappointed and we hurt when they leave because of immorality.  A ministry is broken, a marriage, a family and a person when that happens.  However, a large number leave for another reason and it's a growing number.  They leave because their heart, soul, psyche and physical bodies just can't take it anymore.  One of my friends put it this way, "I was tired of boxing shadows."

Today I learned that one of my oldest friends in pastoral ministry is leaving.  He is tired, fried and has nothing left in his tank.  The emotional, physical, and spiritual toll of a demanding ministry has won, for now.  The interesting thing is that among all of my friends in pastoral ministry he is one of the most disciplined, devoted, driven, mature Christ-followers and dynamic leaders I know.  I could get up two hours early every day and study harder than ever and not be the father, husband, Christ-follower and leader he is.  He is the real deal.  Being around him is like sliding your body into a battery charger and getting new life.  He is up to date on his reading and study.  He is  visionary.  He is incredibly passionate and has the heart of a shepherd leader.  He is a real Barnabas.  But who encourages the Barnabas'?  Who washes the feet of the foot-washer?  Who holds the heart of the wounded healer?

This wasn't the casualty of a parish with struggling finances, staff, facilities, programs or people.  Quite the opposite.  In fact it is a very large, successful, dynamic and historic church fully engaged in worship, spiritual formation, ministry and missions!

I know my old friend well.  While I would be the first to admit that he is fully human, he is the last person I expected to experience this all too familiar and growing trend in pastoral ministry.  I'm going to say it so get ready.  Yes, many leaders invite this upon themselves and won't make changes, open their minds, or welcome constructive criticism, or input.  But this isn't one of those guys!  So what's driving this in most churches?  Here goes: CONTROL!

You can call it tradition, the old guard, or the new guard unwilling to appreciate the past and go slower, but at the end of the day it's about control.  A person, or group can't have it any other way than their own.  They are not open to Scripture, "Come let us reason together."  They refuse to practice the ministry of reconciliation, and biblical forgiveness.   They are not willing to accept any responsibility for the problem.  They simply want control.

I'll never forget the words of an elderly and seasoned saint in a former church who said to me upon my resignation that came largely the result of my naiveté and youthful mistakes implementing change, "And you thought they would embrace change?  Why they were fighting before you came and they will fight after you leave.  You are not the first pastor they've gone after.  The three before you battled the same attitude.  They are in control."

Pastoral ministry is different.  You never leave the office.  You wear the joys, pains, problems, sufferings and sins of yourself and the saints 24/7.  You don't "leave" work and divorce yourself of it when you get home.  It is intensely personal.  It is emotional.  It is spiritual.  Your work and performance is open game for the entire church, or board, when the average persons work history, record and performance is only viewed/critiqued by an immediate supervisor.  For every positive input you receive on something new, or existing there are multiple negative comments.  Not to mention the continual unrealistic expectations placed on you by people and those that are self-imposed when you try to play the dangerous game of comparing your church or ministry to others.  Your never as good as you think and your never as bad as they say.  And the day you resign (good experience or bad) they will make some comments (some shocked, others thrilled and a few genuinely sad) and then they will soon gather and begin the search for a new minister.  You will soon be forgotten and no longer reminded that you are nothing like the former minister, pastor, or church they previously attended.  College coaches and politicians know something of this beast as they too, live in the public fishbowl.

Even if you are healthy and reasonably functional you will (even after healing) have a scar or two.  And every time you see it you will be reminded that you made some honest mistakes.  And you will be reminded that some people under the banner of Christ can be incredibly mean and full of vitriol toward a fellow Christ-follower which doesn't square with the words of Jesus and Paul.  You will be reminded that they too, live out of their wounded hearts, or family of origin and that churches are often breeding grounds for dysfunctional people to finally have a voice, or a position.

One of the things I tell men and women entering ministry and beginning to interview with prospective churches is to ask a single, two-part question after you have gone through the passion, mission and vision of the church and its leadership.  How do you affirm your staff and how do you handle conflict?  I can't count the number of times search teams, committees, senior pastors and elders of other churches have not been able to answer the first part of that question.  It's a tell.  Most have no problem telling you what was wrong with their previous minister in that particular position, or why they are now looking, but few can actually share in detail, or give examples of how they affirm their staff.  One church I consulted in the past actually said, "Are we supposed to do that?" And when I asked that of the perspective fellow pastoral staff of a very large church with which I was interviewing the room went totally silent!  They couldn't even think of one way they were affirmed in ministry!  If that happens young one in ministry RUN!

BTW this is not about me, or the church I serve.  It is prompted by the story of my friend.  I like to describe the pastoral staff relationship like a marriage.  None of us always agrees with our spouse 100%, 100% of the time.  We are different.  That's what attracted us to each other.  We have different opinions and tastes.  Yet, despite our differences we are committed to one another in love.  And our love isn't dependent upon how we squeeze the toothpaste, or arrange our closets.  It's bigger than our differences.

Yet, sometimes marriages fail because of sinful humans.  And divorce occurs.  The same is true of  pastoral relationships.  We are different, but we are supposed to be united in, and committed to the UNCONDITIONAL love of Jesus Christ.  When it works (even amid honest differences) it's a beautiful, kingdom-building thing. That's because the commitment to love, correct in love, forgive and seek forgiveness is more important than being right, or getting my way.  However, sometimes people sin and they place personal needs, wants and desires above what God really wants.  When it happens a split, or divorce occurs.  And that grieves the Father.  Props to the churches and ministers who are trying to stem this trend and work through honest differences while not tolerating people who will not practice biblical truth spoken in love, reconciliation, and forgiveness.

BTW my friend has his best years of leadership ahead and some church, organization, or business is going to be really thrilled to have him on their team when he's ready and when God has brought healing!