What Do You Say to Someone Who Has Cancer?

Everyone knows someone with cancer. Whether it's a family member or friend, all of us are touched by the disease. I'm learning that many people don't know how to respond, or what to say to someone with cancer. Here's ten suggested do's/don'ts.

1. Don't ask "how are you feeling?" It's too cliche'. It's become the default question for anyone with a serious illness. Some say it because they don't know what else to say. It's not for lack of sincerity. However, after you hear it 10-20 times a day you begin to wish people could be more creative. Say something like:

• Are you tired?
• How are the treatments going? What's the next step?
  
• What are you learning from cancer? Anything that will help me on my journey?
• Are you anxious about anything?
• I'm praying for you.

2. Don't say you are praying, or your going to pray if you're not. A lie is a lie even with the best of intentions.

3. Don't speak slowly and louder like you are talking to a senior adult who has lost their hearing and has dementia. You'd be amazed at the number of people who actually do this without realizing it.

4. Do ask if there is a need or area of struggle and how you might help.

5. Do laugh if he/she cracks a joke or uses humor to describe their cancer journey even if its seems inappropriate or out of place. Humor is great therapy.

6. Don't feel like you have to say anything. Just sitting with, holding a hand, sharing a hug, or sending a hand-written note, a phone call/message, or an email means more than you know. Funny cards and emails can really brighten an otherwise down day.

7. Do offer to pick the person up and take them to lunch, a park, a walk, or a ride anywhere to just get them out of the house and provide a mental, or emotional break from cancer. Cancer does not define us, but it's always there like a stray cat that keeps coming to your back porch. Getting a break is great medicine.

8. If you live away from the person with cancer make a donation in their name to the cancer society, or your local non-profit cancer center. Buy and wear a yellow, "Live Strong" Lance Armstrong Foundation bracelet supporting cancer research and education. Visit the cancer unit of your hospital, or volunteer one day a week or month.

9. Don't avoid the person with cancer. It's tough when someone you know, or your age gets cancer. Suddenly you are reminded of your own mortality, and though it's unintentional, silence can be a form of denial. Your friend, or family members just need to hear from you. And don't assume they are being bombarded by people. Make contact even if you have to leave a message. Those messages are like an oasis in a parched desert.

10. Don't tell them about your Aunt Molly, or brother who had the same kind of cancer, or another type. Comparing cancer diagnosis and treatment is like comparing pregnancies. While there are similarities, no two cancer patients are the same because no two humans are the same. By all means ask about their treatment, doctors and regimen, but unless you work in oncology or hematology leave the stories to the experts.

Still taking one day at a time and savoring each day as a gift from God. Redeem the time folks! Romans 12:12

Good Medicine: More on the Recovery Journey

Meet the Rutland kids: Riley, Jack and Callie. I've had the privilege of being at the hospital after each of their birth's and dedicating them to the Lord with their parents when they were all in diapers. I continue to watch them grow and I'm grateful God has let me be part of their family and young lives. They always make me smile and laugh.

If your kids are older and you don't have grandchildren you'll appreciate this. Kids are great medicine. Especially young children (7 and below). If you have any doubt, just borrow some and go visit a retirement or nursing home. Watch the place light up. I love to hug and hold them. Actually I'm like a leech trying to drain the youthfulness out of them so I can absorb it in my aging body.

Their youth and energy is contagious. Kids are infectious. You never know what they are going to say, share, or how they are going to respond. Unlike most adults who've learned to be guarded, suspicious and no longer trust, they are blatantly transparent and vulnerable. They aren't afraid to ask questions to satisfy their curiosity, even if it's something an adult wouldn't dare ask. I don't know which is more fun: children asking or stating the unthinkable; or watching their parents squirm when they do, ha!

Jesus made children a priority. He never dismissed, or ignored them. If anything, He empowered them and told the rest of us that our faith better become more like theirs if we had any interest in God's way of doing things. Last night Riley, Jack and Callie came to visit and brought their parents and a meal. Carefully holding them in my lap (I've still got tender post surgery wounds in my tummy), the world stopped for a moment. I didn't think about tumors, surgery, recovery, pending labs to confirm lymphoma, medical bills, or potential treatment plans. All I thought about was pure love and joy. Now that's great medicine.

In one of the early "Chicken Soup for the Soul," books, the story is told of 6-year old Sasha, whose parents just brought home her baby brother from the hospital. One night the parents found little Sasha, in the baby's room next to the crib. She was whispering, "Baby, tell me what heaven is like, I'm starting to forget."

Children are the breath of heaven. Being around them is to be reminded of God's priorities, tender care and deep affection for each of us. Now that's the best medicine anyone could receive. "Holy Father, thank you for last night's unexpected gift and a reminder of what heaven is all about."

Unexpected Words Become Motivation for Praise: An Update on My Medical Journey

....."suspicious for diffuse b-cell non-Hodgkins lymphoma" those words rolled off my surgeon's lips as he called Friday with the initial pathology results of the mass removed during my robotic surgery on Holy Week. After countless benign biopsy reports from previous procedures and the benign frozen sections taken during surgery, they were unexpected words. My world seemed to come to a complete standstill. For those who have never gotten that news it's a very surreal feeling. Not like a dream, but not like reality either. Everything just stops. Kinda like those crash dummies you see in automotive safety commercials. One minute you’re traveling along and the next minute an impact causes you to be thrust forward and then backward and you realize everything is beyond your control. When it’s over the dummies are immobile and paralyzed in the crashed vehicle. It happens so fast your emotions can't keep up with the information being shared. It's like you are a step behind. You hear the information but it can't be processed. The news and your emotions are out of sync. This happens in seconds, but it feels like forever.

My emotions weren't denial, anger or even frustration. Complete and total surprise would be more accurate. It felt more like a college kick-off receiver who just caught a kicked ball, looked up and noticed his entire team had left the field, but the kicking team was about two feet away and bearing down like a cobra getting ready to strike a field mouse. Do you run, signal fair catch, fall down, or fumble? I think I just got hit, steamrolled by a 6' 6" lineman. Back in the locker room a trainer is waking me with smelling salts. Whoa, what just hit me? Then reality sets in. Everyone has some initial shock, a tear or maybe more. I guess the "glass half empty" people sulk, freak, mourn, or crawl under a rock. But I'm a "glass half full" person. Hope is an important part of my spiritual DNA. Within seconds, but what seemed like eternity, I asked, "Doctor, what's the next step? What do we need to do? What's the game plan?" As quickly as his words had thrust me into the surreal experience, something within me had shifted to offense and attack mode.

We continue to wait, watch and pray. Something we’ve been doing throughout this journey, which began with headaches traced to elevated BP in January. After further tests, word should come later this week confirming the initial pathology results, or revealing a mistake, or a false positive. Let me be clear. I have complete faith and have asked God to heal me physically. However, God will be praised whether it’s lymphoma or not! Biblical joy and praise is not dependent upon human circumstance. Paul asked three times and God did not choose to physically heal him of his often-debated physical ailment. God heals who, when and where He wants. He doesn't owe me an explanation. He is sovereign and I trust Him.

Prior to his prostate surgery not long ago, John Piper wrote a piece entitled, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”. Among his points: beating cancer is not more important than cherishing Christ. He writes: Satan’s and God’s designs in your cancer are not the same. Satan designs to destroy your love for Christ. God designs to deepen your love for Christ. Cancer does not win if you die. It wins if you fail to cherish Christ. God’s design is to wean you off the breast of the world and feast you on the sufficiency of Christ. It is meant to help you say and feel, “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” And to know that therefore, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 3:8; 1:21).

So whatever news comes next week, we resolve to praise God. Nothing that happens in this life can strip away His love, not even cancer. It is a promise of God in Romans 8:35-39. We wait, we watch and we pray! We are grateful for those who have joined us on this journey and been so faithful.

PS: “Holy Father, today I thank you for a wife, and partner in life and ministry who is indeed my hero! Teach me to serve more like her. Thank you for her quiet strength and and bless her this day."
--

Susan Boyle - Singer - Britains Got Talent 2009 (With Lyrics)

For everyone who ever had a dream and doubted! Watch, listen and bask in a story that defies the odds in our culture obsessed with looks, glamor, affluence and externals. You go Susan and may your God-given talent continue to defy the odds set by a material world!

Grateful for the Saints & Servants at NC Baptist Hospital

All praise and gratitude to God for the saints at North Carolina Baptist Hospital in Winston-Salem! Teri and I are grateful to every nurse, nurse's aide, physician, housekeeping staff, food services, volunteer, valet associates, anesthetists, resident and physician-fellows who attended to me during my surgery at Holy Week. To say we are grateful to God for Bowman Gray Medical School at Wake Forest University Medical School, specifically the urology team and my physicians, Dr. Assimos and Dr. Hemal would be an understatement! We really believe God led us to Wake Urology and that was more than affirmed with my recent surgery. I still have a long way to go and only time (the next six weeks are critical) and God's healing hand will tell if this will take care of my unique medical issue, but we are convinced that God has been ahead and over my entire medical journey from discovery to surgery. We started this process with a series of tests, labs, scans and biopsies. With each one we waited, watched and prayed. Now we will continue to wait, watch and pray as we entrust my recovery to His care and continued glory.

One day I hope to be able blog, write and talk about my experience in greater detail in a way that will benefit others and bring God glory. Right now I'm still reflecting, meditating, taking it all in, thinking and praying about all that has happened. I can't write or talk about it without breaking down right now. Here's one small reflection: Every time LaToya, Cheryl, or Summer (and other nurses I've possibly forgotten) emptied my catheter and measured my urine I cried. Every time I cried my abdomen ached because of the nature of the surgery. It hurt to cry and laugh. Still does. It hurt to have someone stoop down and without giving it another thought empty my urine. Talk about servanthood! And to think this was happening on Maundy Thursday, the same day long ago the gospels describe Jesus, humbling Himself and stooping to wash the feet of His disciples. So I'll continue to recover and as I do, Jesus and God through His Word and servants (friends, family and our Mosaic family), will continue to wash my feet, something I'm learning is necessary but something I would prefer to be doing for others.

Talk to you in a six to eight weeks!

By His Wounds

Holy Week begins this Sunday. We cannot bask in the light of the empty tomb without going through the darkness of Good Friday. As part of our Lenten worship we sang this song "By His Wounds" last Sunday. Perhaps it was my ongoing medical journey of late, but a third of the way into the song I could not sing the words without heavy sobs and tears. I just stopped and listened and reflected. Listen and read the lyrics and let God speak to your heart. We are one day closer to Resurrection Sunday, but the Via De la Rosa must come first. Shalom, Monty