As a PK and pastor I am in a unique position to know something about being a ministers wife. However, even with my eyewitness view I still can't pretend to totally understand and appreciate their role, feelings and heartbeat. Growing up in a healthy ministers home and serving 25+ years alongside an incredible partner in ministry allows me to offer a little perspective.
A minister's wife goes to her husband's workplace 2-3 times a week in worship, prayer gatherings, small group, Adult Bible Fellowships/Sunday School, mission efforts, etc. She participates in his vocation far beyond the typical lay spouse. Think about it. Most people do not show up at their spouse's workplace for any length of time and multiple times a week at that. Most hear about their spouse's workplace, but beyond stopping to pick up, or drop something off they aren't intimately involved in their work. So the ministers wife has a different position in this regard.
The ministers wife has to smile on the outside even when she's dying on the inside. She, more than her children and sometimes more than her husband is judged on her appearance, demeanor and outward conduct. If she is short with someone she's considered to be rude. If she is having a hectic day and experiencing a lot of stress she is questioned because church culture dictates she should always have it "all together." Like her husband, and even her children, she is rarely allowed to be human even though her husband repeatedly admits his humanness and people know otherwise. Perception is always on the radar of a ministers wife and the congregation. And as we all know, perception is often far from reality, but many people bend truth/reality to fit their perception.
She is expected to know Scripture, speak to theological issues and pray like David in the psalms. Even though she is not on the payroll she is often considered a "freebie" by many members and expected to attend everything going on in the life of the church. Every time she dresses for a church function she knows she risks silent criticism. Her young children are expected to be "perfect" so if they are caught running and chasing after a service with the rest of the children it's frowned upon. She lives in a fishbowl. Everyone is watching. There is very little privacy in her life.
If she has a meltdown and needs an old fashioned cry day with a good book, chocolate and ice-cream she can't share it with church members. Again, that would be normal and she's expected (unrealistically) to always be strong. She is rarely free to speak her mind because of those unreal expectations and the risk to her husband's job performance. She faithfully gives of her finances, time and gifts to a cause that is often a source of conflict, pain and offense to her and those she loves most.
She like her husband walks a very lonely road. There are few she can confide in without fear of being repeated, or criticized. Friends that keep confidences and ooze grace are treasured more than the balance of a retirement account.
The ministers wife is expected to have the patience of Job and nearly all of the spiritual gifts plus an endless reservoir of compassion. If she draws boundaries to protect her family she is viewed as aloof, or disconnected. If she expresses a concern in a public forum she is immediately considered biased, or petty in some churches. When she opens her home to members she risks the "white glove" inspection and follow-up chatter on the appearance of her home. If she guards her home and treats it as a safe haven for her family she is considered selfish and closed off. See the conflictive perspectives? How does she keep them all straight?
In a young church plant, or smaller church setting she often finds herself serving outside of her comfort zone, or giftedness simply because she supports her spouse and more than anything, wants it to succeed for God's glory. She more than any other human believes in what God has called them to do and while it is her husband's calling, it is every bit as much her's too!
She is his confidant, counselor, cheerleader, best friend, partner in ministry, life, family and marriage. She sees his imperfections more than anyone else and despite them she is always encouraging and supporting. She knows his heartache, disappointments, pains and failures both perceived and real. She knows he always hears more criticism than he ever hears affirmation.
I realize with each generation many of these old attitudes or battles are giving way, but the truth is that every minister's wife can still identify with one or more of these perceptions and realities. She is my mother and my wife----my partner in life and ministry. The mother of my children and the most formidable person of faith I know. Pure grit and at the very essence a lady who knows how to laugh at and with me!
(Please note these are generalizations painted with a broad brush and in no way are meant to identify a specific church. The point is not about a specific church, denomination, etc., but about these unsung heroines. It presupposes the joy of her role, serving, and the many blessings received in years of serving Christ's bride, the church with her partner in ministry.)
