Confessions of a Recovering Fixer

Periodic, deep personal reflection is a good thing. It forces us to peel back the layers of our lives and examine ourselves as we really are, not the idealized self. The idealized self is the image we try to project, or think everyone else has of us. Don't confuse that with hypocrisy of intentionally trying to be something your not. Even in the best of folks, how we perceive ourselves rarely matches reality. Personal reflection can be uncomfortable but it is very healthy.

Reflection forced me to admit that I'm a "Fixer". Not the kind that thinks he knows who needs to be "fixed" and how to "fix" them. I understand it can be very tempting to point out the faults and failings of others while offering unsolicited advice on what they "really" need, but my "fixer" struggle is different. My "fixer" personality stems from a desire to make things go smoother, run better, help people get along, minimize problems, keep the balance, etc. Not to make excuses but to be fair, I was a troubleshooter in my first career and I was paid to "get things done" by obsessing on details and reducing obstacles. And I was really good at my job.

The "Fixer" personality is common among males, it's not necessarily gender exclusive. A lot of mother's have this problem too. "Fixer's" tend to meddle in places they shouldn't even with sincere motives. Their desire to "make things right" overrides their ability to remain objective. Long ago, a mentor helped me identify my struggles with control issues. However, the worst combination for a "fixer" is someone that has, or has had control issues. See the potential for problems? Control and the need to fix is a potentially dangerous combination.

Stay with me, I've made a second personal discovery that is related to the first one. Here it is: I tend to get ahead of God. It's not that I didn't trust God to work things out, answer my prayers, or provide direction. I told myself that I was simply helping God by trying to "fix" the problem with my friend, family, or church. After all I reasoned that God gave me certain skills, gifts, intellect, creativity and energy so why not use them to expedite His work and help people out? Herein lies the problem-----there are so many things in life that we cannot fix! Life is meant to be lived and experienced not "fixed". There are problems, trials, and situations that we actually need to experience, or live through to realize God's greater purpose. Fixing them robs us of learning to depend, rely and trust in God. "Fixing" can be a faith-robber, if God isn't the one providing the solution. Our efforts may even be good attempts, but His way will always be better.

I've got a friend in a real struggle right now and I can't fix it! Neither can he. Only God can. He simply wants me to be there for my friend, to listen, hold his hand, pray for, and with him and walk alongside so he is not alone. That sounds like a pretty strong solution to me. Pray, love, listen, let go and let God!