I Believe I Failed Her

Most cancer patients and caregivers have a pretty good handle on living one day at a time. However, there are a few who are so focused on the negatives that they can't remain open to hope. I'm not saying they are right or wrong. Everyone battling this, or any other disease has to decide for themselves how they will act, or react. If you are naturally positive, or optimistic you will most likely choose hope, or even joy. If you are a "glass is half empty," or skeptical type you will probably choose to doubt or mute any positives. But the point is that we have a choice in how we are going to act!

Recently I observed a woman waiting on her husband while he was being treated. I saw her 3-4 times as I waited on my own treatment. As patients talked about their brand of cancer, side effects, and treatment plans with hope, or confidence she would always counter that her husband's is not "curable" in a sad, almost morose tone. I can't imagine the load she is carrying but as a fellow cancer patient I can say that her husband needs hope, confidence and joy. I'm not suggesting we deny the truth, but medical professionals, counselors and social workers repeatedly stress the importance of a positive attitude in chronic medical battles.

Several times I attempted to offer suggestions of things that may help them in the battle like available support groups and resources through the American Cancer Society, but each time she countered with an excuse that seemed to say, "I'd rather sulk and be hopeless than find anything positive in all of this." Keep in mind she didn't say that, but it was communicated because one of the patients made a remark to that effect after she left.

Now before you agree, or disagree with me hear me out. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Where is their pastor, small group, or Sunday School class support?" Maybe they've tried and found the same response, or maybe they don't have one! More troubling to me was the self-indictment of my own silence. Why didn't I offer to pray with her before, or after my treatment? Why didn't I pull her aside and give her my phone number and tell her to call me, or my wife to cry, vent, or just share?

This battle is too hard to go it alone. It's too relentless to attempt to think we can fight it without the help of others. Left alone with this disease, I would probably grow mad, depressed, or angry. I understand part of what she's dealing as I watch my spouse play the caregiver role with hope, confidence and joy despite the "down days", or periodic setbacks. Yet, she chooses hope. She chooses hope because she is one of the most prayer-saturated people I know. Her faith in God is greater than her fear of this (can I say it without offense?) damned disease!

Who is the person, couple or family in your world facing a similar battle? How have you responded? They need more than one meal, a cake, funny email, or card. Some of us are blessed to have many people like this in our lives offering words and expressions of hope. But you may be the only one in someone else's life. Let me encourage you to stay the course with them and keep in mind it's a long trip. Even if you are worried that you may be bothering them, continue to keep up the support, conversation and love. Trust me, they will tell you if it's too much.

In my own experience, a good friend and woman in our church sent me a card every single week of my chemo. Nearly all of them were hilarious and they usually arrived right after my chemo that week. I got to where I looked forward to go to the mailbox just to see what she had for that week. She has no idea how much of a difference that one little act of love made in my life, not to mention the many acts of others who were just as faithful in different ways. My point is simple, we all need help on this journey of life. Some will be harder than others to help, but God has called us to walk alongside the broken, wounded, sick, imprisoned and hungry. I feel as though I failed this woman regardless of her perceived melancholy affect. I also felt extremely fortunate and grateful to be a cancer patient who is surrounded by people who love and care for me unconditionally.

1 John 4:7-12 is a great reminder to those of us who walk by faith:

⁷Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹In this the love of God was made manifest among us, thatGod sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

God help us to walk in love!