Punitive Silence

Abraham Lincoln said, "To sin by silence makes cowards of men." Mr. President, I think you spoke truth far beyond your term and years when you made that observation. Think about it. How often do you and I remain silent when we should speak up? Think of the many issues of social injustice, prejudice, and alienation we choose to ignore, turn a blind eye toward, or fail to speak up for those who can't. What about our simple inability to speak up and weigh in on an issue, or cutting remark by someone toward someone else?

When I read this quote by Lincoln, I'm reminded of all the kids in high school who were picked on, or made fun of that I failed to speak up/out on their behalf. Instead of speaking up for the "fat" kid, the "geek", or the "jock", I chose (more often than not) to remain silent and by choosing silence it was assumed I agreed with the sentiment, or sarcasm being leveled. May God forgive my silence!

Families can be punitive with silence as well. Husbands and wives can go for days without speaking and punishing each other over something they can barely remember, or something that doesn't really matter in the big picture of life. Siblings can punish one another with silence as well. We can disagree and take everything so personally that we fail to see the person we really know beyond the slight, or dig that prompted our silence. We punish by cutting off contact and essentially retaliate for the perceived slight or hurt that's been done to us. Churches can do it too. Leaders can punish those who appear to be disengaged, or aloof from the fold for real, or unrealistic reasons. Bosses can punish employees with silence because they disagree with the employees' performance, or opinion on a specific issue, or project.

At 50, I've come to a place in life where I have little use for these mind games. And at the end of the day that's exactly what they are, mind games. Tit for tat. Eye for an eye. It's especially troubling when Christ-followers engage in this behavior. Whatever happened to the Scriptural admonition to "speak the truth in love"? Or better yet to be reconcilers?

Conversation and communication ALWAYS opens the door to clarification and understanding. Assumption is a deadly game. When I choose silence in response to someone with whom I disagree, or perceive to know their motives and essentially judge their heart I am left holding a bag that's way too big. Bottomline: Presumption of another's heart/motives is above my pay grade!

Silence is appropriate when we are angry, or don't know what to say. But at some point we've got to let go, or else we'll nurse a root of bitterness that can often be ruled by perception instead of reality. There's a great parable Jesus tells in Matthew 18 about a man who let an issue take root in his life that birthed a spirit of bitterness and an unwillingness to forgive.

My friend, Craig Loscalzo often says, "You never regret extending grace!" Frankly, I have trouble practicing that as much as I should. If I'm not careful, I can get to a point where I actually enjoy inflicting the punishment of silence. To be honest, I'm too old for it. My life is more than half over and I don't want to go out sulking, withdrawing in aloofness, or hurting others based on perceptions (real or not) that I am unwilling to address.

God help me to be more forthcoming and willing to speak the truth in love! Is there someone you've punished with silence? Give them a call, email, drop them a note and be honest. But be open to hearing their side of the issue. Who know's, we might just be surprised that they weren't even aware of the "perceived" pain they've caused.

¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)