Control

The need to control is something that affects businesses, marriage and families, churches, schools, government, hospitals, trustee boards, and just about every institution, or enterprise under the sun. Control, even when rightly motivated can be toxic. Control is ultimately about getting "my" way even when that way is for good.

In business, control is portrayed as micro-management. Someone competent is hired to do a specific job and they are pushed on the back burner because their superior is constantly second-guessing their approach, or injecting herself into the process, which tells the rest of the staff that the person hired for the job isn't really capable of leading.

Control can mask itself as simply "wanting the best" for______________(family, business, person, organization, church, etc.), but when you peel back the layers you discover the "best" is only what that particular person, or group identifies as being best. They set the terms, or write the definitions.

In marriage and family control can have disastrous consequences. A mother, or father can be so consumed with directing the daily activities and future choices of a child (like college choices, which extracurricular activities to pursue, etc.) that they ultimately lose the child, or the child becomes so dependent upon the leadership of the parent that he/she is paralyzed to make decisions and act upon their own behalf when they get on their own.

Trust me, liberty is a good thing. Granting and encouraging freedom and individual responsibility fosters creativity and ingenuity. It also empowers employees, church members, team members, etc., to take ownership, which instills a healthy sense of pride in their work, or effort. Freedom releases the captives of control and says to them, "I trust you," in this regard!

To me, the most frustrating thing about control types is this issue of trust. By constantly second-guessing, interjecting and intervening they communicate that we cannot be trusted with the matter at hand. Or worse, that we are not competent, or capable enough to handle the responsibility, project, or situation.

I am a recovering control freak. I still have a long way to go, but over the years I've become more aware of my need to control and why. As I've aged and surrendered much of my need to control (not all), I've discovered how freeing it is to encourage others, and let things go. Most surprising has been my response to control types. I have a very low tolerance for them. I don't engage, or get mad, but instead, simply let them go and try to disappear from the scene in silent resignation. It's just not that important to me, or worth the fight. At 50 and after cancer, I guess I've realized that some things just aren't as important, or urgent as they once seemed.

I've also learned that you and I will never change a group, or persons need to control others. It's something they have to face on their own. For some it's about perfection, and for others it's the result of their parents and formative family issues. Control is nearly always born from some type of past dysfunction. There is a deep-seeded need to always be right and have all the answers. Some control freaks actually do face it and as they do, they get in touch with their need to control and make meaningful, life-altering changes. They go on to become great leaders, supporters, friends and cheerleaders. People no longer run from them, or sigh and mentally check out of a meeting when they speak or lead it because they realize now they will be heard, or respected. However, many do not and their control issues simply serve to alienate them from the very people they are called to serve, lead, help and love. I wish I had learned this a long time ago, there's so much I should've let go and let God in my life. I'm trying hard to do that now.

Paul's words have become emblazoned on my heart, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty (freedom)." Control types take heart, let go and let God!