This one is long and long overdue. I’m writing this from the perspective of a pastor’s child, second-career pastor and father of two PK’s. I don’t expect anyone who has never walked in either of these shoes to truly appreciate what I’m about to say. Having grown up with a pastor’s wife and being married myself, I have an appreciation for pastor’s spouses. However, that said I still couldn’t truly appreciate their perspective. Therefore, I’m only writing from the perspective of which I have actually lived. I’m writing from my own moccasins.
Every pastor I know became a pastor because they felt a genuine call from God to shepherd His sheep. They had a heart for the things of God and His church. I’m aware that there are a very, very small number who became a pastor for selfish motives, or by their own admission may have misinterpreted God’s calling and left at some point, or through clarification and prayer went on to other areas of ministry outside the pastoral role in the local church.
I don’t know a single pastor who felt called to experience: petty debates about facility aesthetics; music or worship styles; turf wars among small groups/SS classes; denominational and local church fights; face destructive criticism and personal attacks toward them, their spouse or family; or become the whipping post for people throwing up their unresolved life issues and behavioral baggage under the guise of “church, or leadership” concerns. This paragraph could be endless but you get the idea and I only have so much space.
At one point in my ministry I served on a state denominational staff and related to over 2,000 churches and pastors. That said, I don’t recall meeting a single pastor who felt called to “tear apart” a church, deconstruct valid biblical traditions and practices, take personal shots at members, compete with other pastors and churches, or seek to sink the budget, membership and spiritual health of their local congregation.
From my childhood: I remember a godly, but human man who worked too many hours when I was very young because his generation of pastor didn’t know any better. I’m glad he got in touch with that as he got older and more seasoned. He made some intentional changes too. I remember the hours he poured into visiting and caring for people who had personally attacked him, or the office he represented. I remember the times when he came home absolutely drained from a full day of ministry, counseling, strategizing, studying, teaching, and preaching only to get a call from a loud angry woman wondering why he wasn’t at her particular group’s Christmas party when she didn’t even stop to think he may have been at the hospital, with a grieving family who lost a loved one, or actually had a previous commitment and was keeping his word. Not to mention the fact that it was humanly impossible for him to be at every church function, and he understood Ephesians 2 as a mandate for shepherds to “equip the saints for ministry”, not to do it all. I remember people who punished him with silence, their presence at worship or church events, or by withholding their tithes. By the way that only punishes God.
As a young child I remember a couple of churches who really preached and practiced, “keep the pastor poor and he’ll be humble.” Now I think of the sacrifices my parents made so I could have a new ball glove, a uniform, pay school fees or send me to camp because they didn’t have the resources to do it without denying themselves some things they may have wanted. I remember people who thought we lived to well, and others who shook their heads because we weren’t at their “level” of living. I recall his sacrifice of a salary increase so his staff (young families) could simply get “cost of living” increases (always called a raise by the way, ha, ha). I think of times he paid for professional conferences and professional development out of his own pocket in order to save the church, while several professionals in the congregation would scoff at his “enjoying another vacation”. By the way have you ever gone to a pastoral conference? They are not vacations. You listen, learn, read and discuss in those settings that which you live and breathe 24/7. And from my experience when we invest in our leaders personal and professional growth we reap the results. Funny, three years ago, now retired, he paid out of his own pocket, for me to attend a conference in Atlanta because leadership was worried about finances. No one knew, but he knew firsthand that a fellow pastor needed it!
And the memories of angry, or hypercritical people who got in his face or his staff’s right before worship are too many to recall. “Let me unload my wagon on you pastor, and by all means your are now free to lead people into the presence of God and teach His word with a clear mind after I’ve dumped on you.” By the way those people owe God an apology, not my father, for derailing the focus on the proclamation of God's word because they placed their own feelings above God at the time. One senior adult who was continually angry at life actually yelled at him publicly in a crowded hallway because he hadn’t been to see her that week and she and her class weren’t going to attend worship that morning because of it. Actually it was because her class had become a “church within the church” and she believed they had no need of the rest of the church. Seems she forgot that Scripture does not teach a “church within the church” and our small groups are only as strong as the corporate Body. Nor would they exist were it not for the greater Body.
I haven’t even touched the hours spent in counseling and weddings when he barely got a “thank you”, or got one of those lovely ties with the face of Jesus on it that they wouldn’t wear themselves. And as a child, then layman in broadcasting, it always struck me as odd that this man who had as many degrees and as much invested in education as a college professor had settled for a below line salary, and benefits in proportion to comparable professionals. And I recall the IRS audit that questioned his returns because my parents were giving back so much financially to the very place that provided their income. Now that was a hoot!
My mind is filled with memories of him cleaning toilets, emptying trashcans, painting classrooms and mowing the church lawn without telling anyone, or after hours when no one was around. Partly because he believed God’s house should receive better care than our own and businesses, but also because something needed to be done and no one else was doing it. I can recall people coming into our house unannounced because we lived in a parsonage next to the church and they reasoned it was “their” house and they could come in anytime they wanted. The little red head set them straight! Thank you Lord those days have passed and we recognized the need to provide pastors with home equity and their own place. My generation of pastors is the beneficiary of a previous generations sacrifice!
I can close my eyes today and hear my parents weeping with those who were mourning. I can see them agonizing in prayer for people who had hurt them but they knew it wasn't personal and they longed for those people to walk with Jesus. I recall a time when Dad risked his reputation to go into a strip bar (with another pastor) to pull out a man whose wife had called him worrying about her lost husband and his safety. And my father does not drink!
Time and space doesn’t permit me to share the never-ending struggles pastors’ battle with the perceived, real and unrealistic expectations placed on them. Not to mention the often self-imposed unrealistic expectations they place on themselves for perceived “failures” in ministry, but not in God’s eyes. He doesn’t expect perfection, just faithfulness. I've seen God do incredible things despite my human "failures" in ministry.
Let me be perfectly clear. I love the church. I love pastors. I love people. And while I have a head full of these memories that may appear to be overwhelmingly pejorative, I have far too many memories of pure joy, unconditional love, support, meaningful worship, teamwork, unified purpose and mission from God’s people and the churches I’ve been privileged to be a part of throughout the years. While these memories and thoughts are important lessons about faith and human behavior, they are not the ones I cling too. To do so would be to put my faith in humans like myself who are depraved, imperfect, fallible and broken. I choose to see the church through Jesus and that gives me great hope. However, from time to time the people of God need to be reminded what pastors’ experience just as we need to be reminded what educators, government, military, police, hospitals and other public professionals experience.
Now stop and think: I grew up in this and yet I believe it’s where God has wanted and called me for the last 20 years. Some of you are saying, “talk about a slow learner”. Would I like to be running a coffee shop, or own a carwash, or work on a golf course somewhere off the radar? On many days that would be a resounding yes! But I’m not called to do that. It’s not my choice. And yes I love what I do.
I’m not writing this in response to my current context in pastoral ministry. These last six years have been filled with more joys than hurt, pain or disappointment. The depth of our current ministry with broken and wounded people is at times overwhelming and exhausting, but the joys of our little fellowship are too numerous to mention.
However, two men I admire, respect and dearly love are struggling in their respective pastorates. They are tired, broken, beaten and about to throw in the towel and get out altogether. Not another pastorate or place of ministry, but out of pastoral ministry permanently. They are continually under attack and the majority of it has been about “church junk” not spiritual, or soul matters. These guys love their people. They agonize over and weep over the people they serve, the lostness of their communities and broken people. I know because I’ve been with them many times as we’ve all cried in prayer over these matters. They both acknowledge their imperfections and mistakes, but the church seems to be more concerned about their “scorecard” in ministry instead of helping people to be passionate about Jesus and reaching the culture for Jesus.
Now hear me, they are not exceptions. This is happening all over the country. God’s shepherds are bailing at alarming rates. Most of them, like me are not in mega churches, published, or on the speaking circuit. They are relatively unknown just trying to faithfully serve God and His people the best they can. Yet many of them are seeing people leave their churches to go to places where there is a larger menu and greater options, more bells and whistles. You wonder if these people ever stop to think that they bear some responsibility in service to achieve the kind of church they really desire. No, it’s just easier to blame the pastoral staff, elders, or say, “we need something better, bigger, where our needs can be met.” And most of those “needs” are largely selfish when you get behind it. It breaks my heart.
I can see Pastor Bill Hybels who has dedicated much of his pastoral ministry to helping pastors, standing in front of thousands via satellite a few years ago at Willow’s leadership conference addressing this very issue and pleading with pastors through tear-filled eyes: “Don’t bail, don’t run, don’t quit, don’t give up. No matter how bad it is, God needs you, the church needs you, we need you. The local church is the only hope for the world.” He’s right! God through Christ, Jesus has set it up so the church is His living organism to reach the planet and live out the hands and feet of Jesus. How cool to see a mega-church senior leader who feels a serious biblical mandate and responsibility to use their resources to help those of us off the radar! Would that more large churches would take that mentoring, partnering responsibility more seriously instead of just building bigger facilities, or hosting a conference! And no, I’m not angry at the mega church. Those of us in smaller settings need them to be strong.
I have a lay friend who is a successful businessman in a very competitive industry. He frequently reminds me: “Monty, if it was easy anybody could do it, but God called you.” And so brothers and sisters in pastoral ministry (and my dear friends mentioned above) I simply want to urge you to be faithful to your calling. It is tough, Jesus said it would be and I believe it’s going to get even more challenging in the years ahead. We need you. God needs you! He called you. The church needs you. Your communities need you. I understand there are times or seasons when we must walk away, but I simply would say, “Has God released you, or me from that pastoral calling?” If yes, then so be it. But if not we of all people will be most miserable if we bail and we’re not released. Stay the course, keep the faith and be strong and courageous. Like Joshua standing at the waters edge about to lead the Hebrews in faith to an unknown land cling to the Father and Jesus. Have Caleb in mind and exhibit that precious old man’s faith in God when everyone else in the camp was negative, down, critical and overwhelmed about the enemies in the land and he confidently declared: “Surely we can take the land!” Be strong beloved, the same God who went before Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Peter and Paul, goes before us. Let Him lead, let Him comfort, let Him conquer. Let us follow in faith!
P.S. For any PK’s out there, remember, God could’ve chosen anybody to grow up in that home, but He didn’t. He chose you! He loves you and while the church may disappoint or hurt you, her Father won’t. Cling to Him and remember: we worship Him, not His church!
P.S.S. If you are a Christ-follower and church member don't run when leadership is under attack, sin by silence, or take the path of least resistance. Help pastors and elders jealously guard the flock. Confront dissension, division and personal attacks biblically in love. Air any differences with leadership face to face, in private, not in your small group, via email, on the telephones, or in the parking lot. Squelch gossip and the scorecard mentality. Encourage your pastoral staff, elders and deacons. Pray for them. And do whatever you can to insure that your church stays focused on spiritual matters, not personal tastes or selfish concerns. Do whatever you can within your power to insure that your church is being the hands and feet of Jesus in a world that really needs it.
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