What Do You Say to Someone Who Has Cancer?

Everyone knows someone with cancer. Whether it's a family member or friend, all of us are touched by the disease. I'm learning that many people don't know how to respond, or what to say to someone with cancer. Here's ten suggested do's/don'ts.

1. Don't ask "how are you feeling?" It's too cliche'. It's become the default question for anyone with a serious illness. Some say it because they don't know what else to say. It's not for lack of sincerity. However, after you hear it 10-20 times a day you begin to wish people could be more creative. Say something like:

• Are you tired?
• How are the treatments going? What's the next step?
  
• What are you learning from cancer? Anything that will help me on my journey?
• Are you anxious about anything?
• I'm praying for you.

2. Don't say you are praying, or your going to pray if you're not. A lie is a lie even with the best of intentions.

3. Don't speak slowly and louder like you are talking to a senior adult who has lost their hearing and has dementia. You'd be amazed at the number of people who actually do this without realizing it.

4. Do ask if there is a need or area of struggle and how you might help.

5. Do laugh if he/she cracks a joke or uses humor to describe their cancer journey even if its seems inappropriate or out of place. Humor is great therapy.

6. Don't feel like you have to say anything. Just sitting with, holding a hand, sharing a hug, or sending a hand-written note, a phone call/message, or an email means more than you know. Funny cards and emails can really brighten an otherwise down day.

7. Do offer to pick the person up and take them to lunch, a park, a walk, or a ride anywhere to just get them out of the house and provide a mental, or emotional break from cancer. Cancer does not define us, but it's always there like a stray cat that keeps coming to your back porch. Getting a break is great medicine.

8. If you live away from the person with cancer make a donation in their name to the cancer society, or your local non-profit cancer center. Buy and wear a yellow, "Live Strong" Lance Armstrong Foundation bracelet supporting cancer research and education. Visit the cancer unit of your hospital, or volunteer one day a week or month.

9. Don't avoid the person with cancer. It's tough when someone you know, or your age gets cancer. Suddenly you are reminded of your own mortality, and though it's unintentional, silence can be a form of denial. Your friend, or family members just need to hear from you. And don't assume they are being bombarded by people. Make contact even if you have to leave a message. Those messages are like an oasis in a parched desert.

10. Don't tell them about your Aunt Molly, or brother who had the same kind of cancer, or another type. Comparing cancer diagnosis and treatment is like comparing pregnancies. While there are similarities, no two cancer patients are the same because no two humans are the same. By all means ask about their treatment, doctors and regimen, but unless you work in oncology or hematology leave the stories to the experts.

Still taking one day at a time and savoring each day as a gift from God. Redeem the time folks! Romans 12:12