Recently a 20-something friend was sharing about a painful
visit back home. While there she saw her
best friends from high school and instead of coming away encouraged and
excited, she was sad. Nothing bad
happened. There was no drama. No one got into argument, or said anything
negative. They were basically in the
same place where she left them when she went off to college four years
previously. Her friends chose to live at
home during college. That’s not good or
bad just a choice they made.
She realized that they had grown far apart. Their friendship had little in common anymore
because they all lived in different places, had different jobs, and had
graduated from school, etc.
Translation: life moved on! This turned out to be a good thing because
instead of lamenting the passing friendship she was able to be grateful for the
times she had, but realized her life was different now and she had a whole new
set of friends. She had grown up. Her interests were different. Her conversations were different. Their values were different. Her bills were, well they were now hers,
LOL! You get the idea.
I believe there are people that come into our lives and we
are brought into theirs for a season. Some
seasons span a college or Navy hitch, others a few years, and some span many
years before they draw to a close. Some
friendships, and they are rare, can stretch a lifetime. However, most of us would be hard pressed to
rattle off the cell phone number of our best friend from high school, or
college. It’s life.
We grow up, we move on.
And it even happens in our adult years.
I suppose this is different for people who stay in one place for a long
time, or return to live in their hometown.
But for the rest of the multi-job, multi-home, multi-career and sadly
for some, multi-marriage, mobile culture it is not that way. Time,
distance, family dynamics, personal growth, habits, interests and simply
available time all change things.
Friendship is supposed to be about emptying yourself and
filling the other person. It’s not
supposed to be one sided. And we aren’t
supposed to agree upon everything. Heck,
where’s the fun in that? However,
sometimes there’s little “here and now” to draw upon and the friendship can
only pull from the past so it becomes draining instead of encouraging. It’s like being married to an addict and one
day the co-dependent spouse wakes up and realizes his/her addicted spouse isn’t
going to change and they continue to have the same old conversations and
promises of sobriety, but then the dreadful behavior is repeated and the
relationship is very one-sided.
Friendship can be that way. One
person can give and give and give, but the other simply takes. When truth is spoken in love it’s viewed as
threat. Healthy friendships can take the
good and the bad for the long haul.
Truth spoken in love by a good friend is viewed as investing in my
growth because deep within I know it was spoken in love. If we can’t speak truth in love in our
friendships are they really friendships?
Ask yourself if any of your relationships are draining
instead of filling you. Maybe it’s time
to simply move on. Am I draining any of
my friends? Thank God for the good times
and what you have been given, but it’s okay to let the friendship shift to the
“Christmas Card” and occasional Facebook lookup. Nobody is mad, nobody leaves hurt, it’s just
not what it used to be and it’s okay!
You have simply grown apart.
On the other side of 50, I’m more interested in
relationships that are filling me and letting me fill them as I empty
myself. I’m pretty much done with the
one-sided ones. Life is too short, I
need to redeem the time and I’m just not gonna let a relationship rob my
joy.
After reflecting on what happened my young friend smiled and
realized this wasn’t a bad thing. It was
simply the ebb and flow of life. Thank
God for ALL the friends we’ve had, or been a friend to over the years at
various seasons in our lives! Maybe this
Christmas season you drop one or two of them a card and simply thank them!
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